HEAD TO HEAD - Krejza v McGain

MC Gregor- I'm a fan of Krezjy Eyes. He's young, he's developed nicely, and he won't be a liability with the bat.

Mix Master D - But you're forgetting the one important thing - he's not a Test standard spin bowler. hell, I'd even suggest he's not a Shield standard spin bowler

MC - He's been a good performer at the SCG, and has done well on barren Bellerive. But most importantly, he is aggressive. I like that. Oh, and his old man was a mad good goalkeeper

D - You want a good performer? look no further than old man McGain. Bryce has been clearly the most successful slow bowler in Australian domestic cricket in recent times

MC - He's 36, his time is limited. I agree he's dependable (with excellent control), but he's not a turner. So why pick him for India, they love having the ball turn start on their legs. It plays into their strengths. Even mediocre bowlers like Robertson and Miller has done well because they wer e largely able to avoid the legs. Oh, and Krezjy Eyes can bat!

D - Let's not turn this into an argument about 'all rounders' shall we. Otherwise let's just play Andrew "Gone fishin" Symonds and Michael Bingle as the spininng all rounders. They've got better records than your man JK with the ball.

McGain's control is unbelievable. And if we go back the last 12 months, Bryce has taken 70 wickets in first class cricket compared to your boys 23. The sheer number of deliveries bowled by McGain means that you know that you can trust him in a long hot Indian summer's day - JK just doesn't have the stamina nor the experience to keep on top

MC - I'll summarise. Krezjy turns it. India is kind to offies (Miller, Mallet, Robertson). He is young (and energetic). He won't be a liability with the bat. Plus he could be the future of Australian spinning. McGain is consistent (but so was Warne...didn't help him in India). He's old and not going to hold up Australia's attack. He isn't attacking and spins it the wrong way for India. Look I like him and I'd pick him if we were going to Seth Efrika, but the 07-08 Shield final (this blog shall never call it the Milk Cup) showed that he struggles to take wickets against a commited batting outfit.

D - But you're forgetting one thing. What sort of cricketer gets picked to play in the toughest conditions for a spin bowler coming off a season of 18 wickets at 47.11? We may as well let Simon Katich open the batting and be our spinner.

Sure, an average of 34 isn't earth shattering, but McGain's 38 wickets in the 2007/08 Shield season speaks volumes for his ability to play in all conditions. Australia is crying out for an experienced head that can spin the ball and consistently put the ball in good areas. This is Bryce McGain. It's not some bloke that wasn't good enough to get a game ahead of MacGill, Casson and Hauritz so had a cry and moved down to Tassie.

And if you're going to trumpet about going for the future, then Mike Hussey should never have debuted - too old.

MC - Don't you dare bring Huss into this (plus he was only around 30 when he debuted)! I like McGain. He's the fairytale. And his figures are better in Australia. So what? Laxman doesn't bat three for NSW and Tendulkar isn't propping up South Australia. He is old and unfortunatley disadvantaged by being a leggie. Hell, even Greg Matthew's turned matches there! This does not bode well for him in India.

D - As you say - Laxman doesn't bat three for NSW and Tendulkar isn't propping up South Australia. So how can you expect a young bloke with bugger all wickets behind him to outperform an experienced head that was the leading spinner in the Shield last season and the equal leading wicket taker in the Ford Ranger Cup? It just doesn't add up

MC - we'll have to agree to disagree.

Balls Match Report

Last night the Balls dusted off the trackies, styled the mullets and donned the Megadeth t-shirts - it was time to play indoor cricket.

Indoor cricket is how the Balls met. It is also how the Balls interacts with a broad range of run-away dads, drug dealers, depressive alcoholics and public servants. It's a social game.

So it was with a whimsical tear in our dreamy eyes that we walked onto Court 3 (the refreshing Coca-Cola court) at Weston Creek indoor sports scene. When we walked off an hour and a half later, the world had changed. We took catches, we made stumpings, we captured wickets and together, The Balls fleeced their opponents for 60 stunning runs in a dazzling partnership which almost awoke one old-time indoor cricket from his alcohol-induced, urine-soaked coma.

Our opponents were mighty*, but they were smitened (I guarantee you that's a word...now). Our victory was complete and glorious#. The Balls had arrived. And yet, we remained humble.

* Our opponents were not mighty. They were rubbish.
# We're not sure who won, we had to leave early to catch the Simpsons.

It's coming

You can smell it.

You can feel it even.

You can certainly read about it.

After months of absence and little teasers - cricket is coming back.

The Australia v Bangladesh series was an appetiser. Actually, it was more of the mid arvo snack you have before going ot the dinner party.

The main course - India v Australia - is just 9 days away and The Balls cannot wait.

Can Sachin pull out one final piece of magic, can the Australians adapt to playing together fast enough with the inclusion of up to 4 new faces. Can Harbhajan keep his mouth shut.

It's going to be great and the Balls are a little excited.

So, in preparation for the big series, The Balls are going to kick off with the first in a series "Head To Head". First up - "Bryce McGain v Jason Krejza: The First Test Spinner"

Stay tuned

Ads with stupid jingles

Now, The Balls reside in Canberra, which really is just a bigger version of ALbury. IE, a small country town.

And what does that mean? It means that local businesses like to attract your attention with the worst possible ads possible, combined with the most irritating jingles ever.

I mean - The Home Loan Centre merely went to the Zoo and took some footgae of the first 1- animals they came across and put a crappy jingle over the top to make it look like the animals were singin. I mean, they didn't even get past the giraffes - there's so many more animals that could've starred in this aboniation of an advertisemnt.

And then there's Sears Workwear. Now, everybody loves listening to Pat Sears from Sears Work wear ask "How do you know? You don't, until you see me, Pat Sears at Sears Workwear". We don't want to hear a crap jingle to the tune of Click Go The Shears.

And now - even the big companies are getting into it. Coles has just had an ad on with their shit jingle.

Please - we are not going to buy your goods if you have a shitty jingle.

Stop it.

How the other half live - an alternate way of viewing of the Grand Final

Now that the excitement of the big game has died down, the Balls thought it would be an ideal opporunity to jot down a few points of interest. This is written from the perspective of MC Gregor who scored a massive ticket to the corporate area.

The following is based on observations and the occasional chats with fellow members of the football elite.

1. Rich people ARE happier. And they have every right to be so. They live in a magical, wonderful world.

2. Adam Cooney is a grumpy bastard. He should regrow his Waffro.

3. Robert Harvey is shorter than you'd think, and his hair isn't as crap.

4. Johny Platten is losing his magnificent hair. This is a tragedy which cannot be underestimated.

5. Geelong fans really are the best losers. They were gracious, their pain was inspiring and I hope Collingwood fans learn to follow this lead (except for Jrod - stay angry dear friend, stay angry)

6. Kevin Bartlett is a balding pygmy.

7. Andrew Demtroiou (sic) and Wayne Jackson are fat. I don't mean Stewie Dew fat, I mean FAT.

8. If you yell "Go cats" at Jeff Kennett, he turns around and looks at you like you're a Victorian state school.

9. Leigh Matthews is really nice but scary.

10. Wearing a tie to the football sucks.

On a side note - a lady from WA appeared on the big screen and talked about how the Hawks are better than the Eagles and Dockers in every way. Maam, please rest assured that I have contacted the appropriate authorities, and you WA citizenship has been revoked.

Geelong is like a broken heart

This goes out to the fans of Geelong and represents the views of MC Gregor (Mix Master D is still attempting to locate his pants after a long weekend of celebrating in and around Richmond).

Your team was dominant and yet you lost. This pain is not particularly new, and you wear such sadness like an Arts student wears a cardigan - proudly, if a little self-consciously.

Half of the Balls were fortunately enough to spend grand final weekend with a family of Geelong supporters (although the family matriach is a Melbourne fan...to her eternal credit). Prior to the game this family lined up for hours for their MCC tickets. They never complained, and genuinely seemed to enjoy the camraderie offered to the father and his three sons. They slept in a gutter - all for the hope of watching their team win.

It did not.

It was possibly the better side (certainly better over the year). But it lost.

And it's fans were outnumbered and subjected to the joys of the winning side.

Yet, upon returning from the surreal VIP afterparty (the Hawks fans were all watching replays, the Geelong fans shuffling sadly in front of Pete Murray), I returned to a stoic familial group.

They were hurt. They were sad. They were angry. But they did not give in to vitriol - not at their own players, nor the opposition, nor the world in general. They were Zen. And it broke the Balls' heart. The Balls remembered its own moody, resentful reaction to the 2005 GF loss. The Balls was humbled and in awe. This family knows who they are. I salute them. I also salute the other Geelong fans the Balls knows. They are all similarly stoic and generous.

Do I want to be like them? Yes. But I hope I don't have to be.

Karma leaves Cat Red faced

Now, we all know that Robert Harvey and Matty Scarlett had an altercation after the final siren of the Geelong v St Kilda final a few weeks back.

The reason for this altercation has been a piont of conjecture. The Balls know the score though. After the loss, Harvey shook Scarlett's hand and said 'see you in the grand final'. Scarlett responded 'I wouldn't have thought so'.

Disrespecting a legend of the game has its karmic results, Matthew.

Brown and Gold take the silverware

Absolutely amazing game.  

After viewing one of the toughest and hardest first half of the season, The Balls watched the mighty Hawks streak away in the last half of the thrid quarter to set up an unassailable lead and take the 2008 premiership by 26 points.

Yes, that's right - 26 points.  Exactly the margin the Mix Master D picked before the game.

Luke Hodge won the Norm Smith medal for best on ground as he repelled every Geelong attack.

Brent Guerra was immense down back, winning three 3-on-1 contest towards the end of the second quarter to keep the lead for the Hawks.

Robbie Campbell was absolutely awesome in the ruck - dominating in the first half to give Hawthorn first use of the ball.

The much talked about Hawthorn backline - often said to be 1 tall player short - was working a treat.  And when Trent Croad went off with  broken foot the Hawks were left with no geniune key defenders.

It mattered not as big ROUGH moved down back momentarily before Coach Clarko manufactured the match ups that he wanted with Gilham and Brown taking the tall Geelong forwards and working beautfiully.

Geelong made it hard for the Hawks to get out of defence when they went man on man from half way through the second quarter, but the calm Hawthorn generals - Hodge and Guerra - took their time working through the defence and setting up many a foreard thrust.

Geeliong's kicking at goal was below par, but The Balls care not for that.

The thrid quarter was an arm wrestle for the firstb12 minutes until the BIG BAD STEW DEW showed why Al Clarkson drafted him.  2 goals and a telling tackle and the awks were on their way to Premiershpi number 10.

The last quarter was, once again, an arm wreslte until the Hawks stretched their lead late in the game with goals to Rock Ladson and ROUGH.

100,012 fans gathered to watch the greatest moment of my life - Craig Willis saying the immortal words - "NUMBER 9...SHANE CRAWFORD!!!!"

The Balls have no voice - but thankfully still have pants

The Day Hath Ariiveth

Well, Grand Final Day 2008 was greeted by a beautiful Melbourne spring morning ewith the promise of temperatures reaching 28 degrees.  Could not ask for better day to watch the game.

The Balls made their way to the haunt of communist lesbians, Red Lemon, on Swan St for a delicious breakfast to settle the nerves.  Corn fritters were delicious, no magnificent.  Eggs hollandaise were tremendous.  Chorizzo on the side - the right kind of spicy.

A quick visit to one of our fans houses in Richmond to receive adulation, respect and a hand trolley before making the trek to The G.

There's a gentle buzz around at the moment as people wander into the ground.  Even a few blokes on a motor scooter were discussing the game as they drove along at 40 k, hugging each other like cowboys on a cold, cold winters night.

First quick observation - Hawthorn fans are dressed in a much more artistic manner.  Ginger fans seem to be split evenyl across the teams.  And there's many, many more Hawthorn fans.

Early tip from Mix Master D, The Balls resident Hawk fan - Hawthorn by 26 points, Brad Sewell the Norm Smith Medal and Shane Crawford to kick the final goal of the day.  And of course, Mix Master D to not be wearing pants as Crawford celebrates.

MC Gregor says - Daniel Rich, Draft Pick number 2, West Coast Eagles.

Balls out

Actually - there's a Nandos' mascot hautning small children.  Is it just a bit weird that a place that serves dead chicken has a chicken as their mascot?  Or is that just me.

Nervous Balls

The Balls are going to the AFL Grand Final.  We are excited.  One of us if very nervous.  Here are some other words to describe us. 

Toey.  Hyper.  Lucky.  Smug.  Anxious.  Lustful.  Constipated (part of the nerves we assume).   

And remember, the Balls will be offering a LIVE blogcast of the whole day (including our breakfast on Swan St...great mushrooms). 

Balls! 

Australia v India - The Balls do cricket

Australia has arrived, and already things are going weird.  The Turbanator has come out and said he won't misbehave. 

The Balls will say this right now.  If the Turbanator does not misbehave, walls will run with blood.  Dog will move in with cats.  And Ghostbusters II will be remembered as superior to Ghostbusters I.   

Why?  Because Bajji can't help himself.  He's like a pyromaniac in a match factory.  He'll respond to some jibe, or do some over the top celebratory dance.  Why...because he's entertaining.  A tool?  Sure.  But entertaining.

Andrew Demetriou confirms what we all knew - struggles to count to 3

The AFL have just screwed up the Brownlow counting! They are reading round 3 games early, the website is allocating votes in games to players who aren't playing, and Steve Quartmaine was allowed in the building.

Anarchy.

Brent Harvey has done very well for himself though!

The Balls are going to the GF

OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD

The Balls are going to the AFL Grand Final.

One of us will be undertaking a spiritual journey to one of the most important games of their lives.

The other is on a junket.

We plan to blog LIVE from the MCG from 11am on Saturday starting with the MASSIVE clash between WA U/16's and Vic Metro U/16's. The members of The Balls may not talk to each other during this clash of their home states.

If we can work out technology, we may even post some videos LIVE from the G. This is highly unlikely though as technology and us go together like Brendan and Alex Fevola.

The Balls Brownlow Predictions

As avid follower of all teams in the AFL except Port Adelaide (well, we watch Freo for amusement more than footballing brilliance), The Balls is pleased to provide its famous 10 word synopsis of the 2008 Brownlow Medal chances.

Gary Ablett Jnr - Good season, missed 4 weeks - possible
Jimmy Bartel - Still can't recognise him in a crowd, umpires won't either
Brent Harvey - Short, annoying, loves a goal - favourite
Adam Cooney - ugly in look and style - hope not
Chris Judd - burn in hell traitor - will go close
Simon Black - umpires don't know any other Lions - there's a reason
Matthew Pavlich - he'll be close...but just miss out...again
Matthew Richardson - Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please - probably not
Sam Mitchell - he's suspended you idiots
Heath Shaw - no chance, but his slimey mate can play
Dean Cox - Mentioned merely to appease MC Gregor - silky smooth skills
Nick Riewoldt - Cry me a river princess - world will collapse if wins
Jonathan Brown - told us to put him in and he's big. Go Browny
Jobe Watson - If he wins, he'll probably just give the medal to his opponents
Joel Corey - Umpires think he's Jimmy Bartel - roughy
Joel Selwood - Umpires think he's Joel Corey - roughy
Corey Enright - Umpires think he's Corey Enright - no chance
Max Hudghton - cheat. No chance, I just like calling him a cheat.

Massive Trucks and not so massive weathermen

Just when the Balls’ love of monster trucks seemed to have plateaud…along came news that in a monster truck crash, Grant Denyer (that annoying little dwarf from Sunrise) had suffered a back injury and…wait for it…actually lost an inch in height. Life can really have its good moments.

Stop...Chucka time

Big ups to the MCG web-design team. The Balls happened to be looking through the website today and we came across the MCG main events page. Now as the crucible of Australian sport you would have thought they would have ample great moments to use as their main photo. Warne’s hatrick? Angry and the Batmobile? What about Mark Williams giving himself a golden shower in front of millions of people? Perhaps Matthew Elliot forgetting how to run from wicket to wicket? Yet, this was their choice.















Now, it's kinda cool that they found the only shot of Murali reprising the Hammer Dance, but really...

C-Ball

Ok, so we got spanked by some little Chilean clay-courters who need to shave between games. But let’s be honest…we were all a little surprised that Australia even won a rubber. But they did - and in oppressive conditions. Sure, the Gooch is a ranga who could do with a meal…but he showed some grit. But the Balls heart lie with Carsten Ball! He is like a conglomerate of Australian tennis stars. He has Laver’s left hand, the Poo’s build, Rafter’s sickeningly pleasant demeanour, the Woodies volleying (but not their affection for the ball boys), and Jason Stoltenburg’s ski-slope nose.

And he can play. Pivotal in a doubles win and comfortably winning his singles. The C-Ball has won our hearts. And with Australian tennis being so shite, he’ll have ample opportunity to improve his win-loss ratio against the tennis powers that are Samoa, Kyrgyzstan and Burkino Faso. C-Ball, we salute you.

The Tassie Quota

The Balls would now like to introduce its viewers to a firm rule for Australian cricket selectors.  The rule is simple.  There can only ever be one Tasmanian in an Australian cricket side.  It's called the Tassie quota. 

This rule has been there since time immorial.  Think about it.  Sam Morris in 1885 - one game (for significant parts of Australian cricket history, the Tassie quota was actually 0 - they were simpler times).  Ken Burn was then next get a run...over forty years later.  He didn't last long.  Big Max - stalwart...and it was probably he who saw the quota get raised to one on a near permanent basis.  Since then there regularly been one Tasmanian...usually either Boonie or Punter.  The overlap between the two was non-existant.   

And those who have tried to have the quota increased (Greg Campbell, Jamie Cox, Dirk Wellham etc) have all been burned by the establishment.  Why?  They touched the third rail....the Tassie quota.  BTW - Funky Miller doesn't count because he lived in a pub and is a legend. 

Fuck, even Watto had to leave the state to get a run. 

Our point - well it is simply to say this.  Unless Punter get's hurt...Krezja has next to no chance of playing.  Which is good.  Because he's no good and McGain wants something to tell his grandkids about (right now!) 

P.S. As is always the case, this rule is a little less stricly applied in one-day cricket.  But that is the problem with commercialism.

2. Great Gingers of Sport

In part two, we explore the life, times and yoghurt commercials of one of Australia's favourite Woodies.







Name: Mark Woodforde

Club/Sport: Camping Australia / Tennis

Red Head Rating (RHR): 10 - Mark was flllaammmiinng. The Balls are red-green colour blind, but he seared our retinas on many a cold winters' night as we stayed up watching doubles tennis.

Playing characteristics: Excellent volley, strong left hand, and freckles to put fear into the hear of many an opponent. One of the greatest tennis players in history, but it was in doubles, so who really cares?

Unluckiness Factor: - Low. His combination with Todd Woodbridge was remarkable successful (we believe the most successful of all time). He was, however, so dull that his advertising potential was limited to dairy products and possible fabric softner.

Comment: It was hard to hate Woodie 1 (much more so than his snot-nose partner), but dammit the Balls tried. He was almost endearing in that he was very good at something no one cared about. He also built up our hopes in the 1996 Australian Open when his floppy hair and slice serve took him to the semi final where he cruelly broke the hearts of all Australian viewers, meekly going down to Boom Boom in straight sets, 6-4, 6-2, 6-0.

Summary: We can't love him...but it is hard to hate him. He's like Atherton.

What's All That About - Rugby League

Karmichael Hunt, Sam Thaiday and some other random rugby league player who probably doesn't love his mother were involved in a bar toilet tryst with some dirty slapper.

You know what is the most disappointing thing to come out of this? It's probably not the most controversial thing that a rugby league player will do this week.

Seriously, if these guys had been given the mission to go and make sure that the code was destroyed within 10 years they couldn't do a better job than what these arese clowns have done.

Actually, they probably could. They just need to involve Sonny Bill Williams, Willie Mason, 'Bombtatts' Rogers and 3 toey humans ready to spurt sauce.

Rugby League - for shame!

What’s wrong with cricket pt 2

Ok, so we want Bangladesh to stay (although it might seem some of their players don't). But what about Kenya and Zimbabwe? They’re not up to it yet.

But Balls, you’re just putting forward problems, what can be done to get Kenya, Zim and Bagladesh up to scratch.

Great question, well asked. Quite simply, the ICC and the rest of the cricketing world will need to stop acting like rich tossers who won’t buy their mates a drink.

Firstly, a Bangladesh A side should be allowed to play in the Indian domestic comp. Actually, while I’m at it, how about I also suggest the ICC grow some short hairs and actually tell India to let Bangladesh tour there! This will give them broader exposure to quality cricket and, more importantly, coaches other than obese Australian non-test players (Dav, I’m sorry. I just wanted to make a point).

Secondly, South Africa should allow in a Zim side and a Kenyan side into the Supersport and MTN competitions. The ICC should open its coffers and actually sponsor this. Fuck it, India should also actually start working to help international cricket instead of screwing it royally. Again, this gives the Zims and Keyans increased exposure to good quality cricket on a regular basis.

As a postscript - we are deeply saddened to see that 7 Bangladeshis are going to the ICL - although we found it amusing that the Bangladeshi Cricket Council refused to accept their retirements because they were a breach of contract. For a detailed, and amusing, run down - go here.

Sydney Swans Reserves - a missed opportunity

On a lazy Sunday afternoon, The Balls ventured out to Manuka Oval to watch the Sydney Swans reserves take on Belconnen in the ACTAFL Grand Final.  Now, the game itself will be discussed later, but right now The Balls would like to take the opportunity to discuss the Swans reserves and their place in the footballing landscape.

Now, in recent times, the Swans reserves have been playing in the ACTAFL, taking home the premiership trophy for the last 4 seasons.  This is an impressive achievement, but there are two issues with this.

Firstly, is it really providing the Swans players with the best grounding for AFL football?  I mean, playing against Les from Les’ paint and scaffolding supplies isn’t really the best preparation for standing Lance “Buddy” Franklin is it.  That’s not to say that Les shouldn’t be proud of his efforts making the first grade Eastlake side.  More that the developing Sydney CHB needs a bit more of a challenge to prepare himself for a future in the AFL.

But it’s the second issue that is of more concern at the moment.  The Sydney Swans reserves are not playing in the Sydney local competition and this is a massive missed opportunity to promote the game in the rugby league dominated State.

Now, I don’t mean having the Swans playing against Pennant Hills, St George and North Shore.  This would prove as much of a mismatch as the early days of the Swans in the ACTAFL where victory margins of 200 points were not uncommon with Jarrad McVeigh and Adam Schneider combining for 16 goals from the midfield.

What the AFL should be making the Swans do is similar to what happens in the SANFL and WAFL.  All players on the Swans list should be assigned evenly across the local Sydney clubs.  Then, those players on the Swans list that are not selected to play in the firsts would then play for their respective Sydney league club.

This would improve the quality of players available to play in the Sydney league, as well as ensuring that it is not just one club that has an advantage.  This would promote a much more even competition with more quality players distributed across all sides.

Who knows, it may even encourage some recently retired AFL footballers to stay in Sydney (or even move to Sydney) to compete in the AFL Sydney competition, therefore further improving the standard of the teams.  And if the AFL is serious about Sydney, it needs to put some cash into enticing these blokes to come and play.

This is even more important now as the AFL look to expand further into the New South Wales market with a side in Western Sydney.  The AFL cannot expect to merely suggest this idea and have it materialise in front of their eyes.  There needs to be planning and there needs to be funding.

The AFL has to pump some money into the existing NSWAFL clubs and improve the facilities and marketing of the code.  Get some marquee players to come and play.  Recently retired players that usually go and play for Vermont, Subiaco or Sturt.  Encourage them to play for the Balmain Dockers or East Coast Eagles.  This will do wonders for the code and will bring juniors to the game.

And that’s where you have to start.  Improve the seniors, encourage and attract the juniors and you’re well on your way to a successful local competition and a greater fan base for the seemingly inevitable 2 AFL sides based in NSW.

But the Sydney Swans Reserves is the first piece of the puzzle.

Come on AFL.  Show some balls and get it done.

All Australian - familiar story

Two points on the all Australian AFL team.  

1.  Well done to Paul Medhurst.  You have continued a long tradition of Dockers players who have shone at other clubs.  Your still a numbat who can't handball, and you play for satan's legion...but dammit...you've hurt Freo fans, so you can't be all bad.

2.  To the team's selectors.  can you please...stop...selecting...unaccountable...defenders.  I can fucking pick up possessions if i'm not playing on anyone...so where is my fucking All fucking Austalian fucking gong.  

p.s. I don't particularly like Drew Petrie, but what the fuck does he need to do to get into that side?

What's wrong with cricket pt 1

(Warning - this blog contains serious content)
The Balls is not afraid to call it how it is, so here goes. We will now seek to run through a few of the key issues facing cricket, and explain how fucked up the ICC’s response has been. To clarify, we hold no grudge against the ICC. We simply wished they were competent.

So let’s start. Which countries should have test status.

The answer is simple. All the ones that currently do. People will criticise us for including Bangladesh. Those people should be treated with barely hidden disdain. Those people are weak-minded…those people don’t read this blog.

Bangladesh has well over 100 million people who are nuts about cricket. They are starting to come along. Sri Lanka took ages to be competitive, and that was in a much less profession era of cricket (remember with Vaas weighted about 15 kilos). Fuck, New Zealand took decades to win their first game. Cricket must expand. Bangladesh must be given every chance.

A Friend Of The Balls - Jrod

MC Gregor, in his daily searches of the digi-web for new and uncharted male oriented websites, has recently come across one of the more amusing cricket blogs going around - Cricket With Balls.

http://cricketwithballs.blogspot.com/

Fans Of The Balls - check it out

Jrod: The Balls salute you

Yes, Mother

This goes out to MC Gregor's mum...



My mum is a hardworking lady. She brought me up to be respectful and have good manners. She keeps a very neat house and is one of the smartest people I know. She also has the capacity to scare the crap out of me and all my friends. All of these are good characteristics.

However, my mum is also a Collingwood fan. And for that reason, she has been destined to live in an old persons house ever since I worked out that there was a prospect she may try to live with me in her Autumn years.

This may seem harsh. But let me explain. I am a West Coast fan. West Coast has drawn twice with Collingwood in finals. We lost one in a replay, and the other in extra time. I still remember my mums cackle when Sumich hit the post in 1990. Her deep throated bellows a week later as Tony Francis dragged the ball out of the centre and pumped it up towards the forward line (occasionally Collingwood's). Her evil taunting as Collingwood won. I remember it well, because it was relived in 2007 as I sat in an airport hotel watching in horror as we lost the unloseable final...and my phone rang with the word "Mum" on the screen.

I also remember how she'd tell me the results of Eagles v Collingwood games which I had taped to watch later (an offense which should be punishable by death).

I don't blame my mum. She's a Collingwood fan...and they're all inherently arseholish.

And for that reason I say this: Thank you St Kilda. Thank you for finally standing up in a game that mattered. I was surprised, and you'll get flogged next week. But thank you nonetheless.

Unfortunately, my dad is a Fitzroy fan who has converted to the Dockers. Seriously!

Jesse watch

As lovers of New Zealand Cricket, it is with great joy that the Balls announce the rearrival of Jesse Daniel Ryder, weighing in at 112kg.



Jesse, for those who don't know, is the best thing to come out of New Zealand since Ewan Chatfield. Think Richie McCaw crossbred with Danyon Loader and Hockey Pokey ice-cream. Think David Boon without the dietary self-discipline. Think Jabba the Hutt with pads on.

He introduced himself to the world at large with a punishing display against the Poms in a one-day series earlier this year. He was graceful, he was powerful, he was obese, he was, in all probability, drunk. And then Jesse did something that made all New Zealanders love him...he badly hurt his arm while trying to get into a locked toilet.

Such is the drama of Jesse Ryder.

And now, with a cool scar that New Zealand chicks are gonna dig (or chucks are gunna dug), he is back for the test series against Bangladesh. Whisper it quietly. Test series against Bangladesh. This is a marketing dream come true. Particularly when it becomes apparent he has sworn not to drink during the entire series. The Balls will guaran-goddam-tee he will drink during the series. And this opens up an off-field drama like no other since Warney swore off the smokes.

And Jesse will hit the drink while whaling into a bunch of likeable, competant and enchanting young Bangladeshis.

He will return a front-runner for the upcoming NZ elections and be feted a god.

Stay tuned for Jesse updates.

Jesse Ryder - The Balls' favourite Kiwi

Random Thoughts From The Mind Of The Balls

Collingwood coach Mick Malthouse has talked about Collingwood's recent travel schedule (3 out of the last 5 weeks) for their poor showing in last night's final against St Kilda.

Perhaps if Collingwood actually travelled during the season proper this wouldn't have been an issue.

Cry me a river Mick.

And now something for the ladies...

Undiscovered sports of the world - a misinformed view

In a series of misinformed ramblings, Balls Of Gold aims to provide a little insight into some of the worlds less well known sports living up to our firm beliefe that there is no such thing as a bad sport (except Mark 'Choco' Williams - he's a tool), only bad people.

The first in the series is quite possibly the least known yet one of the most highly participated in sport in Asia*.

Now, I was heading down to Melbourne with a mate of The Balls, The Gay Vampire Midget (GVM), for happy family Christmas celebrations a few years ago.

After talking about the odds of the big bang theory being the same as a tornado blowing through a rubbish tip and spitting out a concorde and just before we got onto the importance of structural integrity amongst home made pies, our little mate introduced me to an intriguing sport which I had never heard of before.

Kabaddi.

Now, keep in mind the fact that our little mate that relayed the story had neither seen this sport played nor spoken to anyone that had any idea on it's rules or game play.

But - to this day it remains the single greatest undiscovered sport that I've come across.

The general gist of kabaddi is that you have two teams that take their turn defendeing and attacking.

Defence is made up of you and 4 team mates holding hands at one end of a volleyball court. Attack is made up of 1 person, a Raider, who has to make it from his end of the court, to the defence and then back to his end.

Now, this sounds kind of simple.

BUT - the Raider must hold his breath the whole time. And to ensure that he is in fact holding his breath, he must constantly repeat the name of the game.

So, in my head, I had this image of a bloke running around a volleyball court chanting out "Kabaddi, Kabaddi, Kabaddi, Kabaddi..." as 5 guys that are all holding hands try to chase him down and stop him getting back to his end. How they manage to all run in sync with each other and not fall down in a screaming heap is beyond me, but The Balls' favourite midget assures us that this is the way the game goes.

Upon further research - that is, 4 blokes running up and down Flinders St in Melbourne playing their own version of Kabaddi after 7 sherberts - this is quite possibly the most entertaining and bewildering game that you will ever come across.

And just to add to the brilliance of the game, it was initially played by men in loin cloths that were all oiled up.

I implore you to go and find out more about this game - the national sport of Bangladesh.

* This does not resemble the truth in any form whatsoever.

1. Great Gingers of Sport

For too long, sport in Australia has been dogged by prominent rusty crutches. This is the first in a series of investigative exposes into prominent Australian sporting rangas and their effect on those day-walkers around them. Some will say that these posts are prejudiced. I call those people naive.







Name: Matthew Bate

Club/Sport: Melbourne Football Club / AFL

Red Head Rating (RHR): 9 - Matthew is almost a pure red head. Even on an overcast MCG day, you can literally see smoke rising from his oh so lilly-white skin. I have delibverately avoided watching Melbourne play day games because, well they're shite, but also I can't stand the thought of him bursting into flames in the middle of the MCG while he chases the shade of the GreatSouthern Stand.

Playing characteristics: Matthew usually lurks in the shadow of those ruckmen around him. Begrudgingly I will admit he is a courageous player, but he has nothing to lose. He cannot die.

Unluckiness Factor: (Note - Unluckiness Factor is to test the theory that Gingers are bad luck to all those around them) - High. Melbourne are shite. They look like being shite for the forseeable future. I lay the blame soley at Matthew's feet, although Stephen O'Dwyer has to carry some of the blame...and you just know the Jimmy Styne's collars don't match his cuffs.

Comment: Matthew is almost your stereotypical ranga. He is bad luck, casts little to no shadow and would appear to have no soul (perhaps a fair description of his club). He is the most prominent fanta pants in the AFL, with the possible exception of Cameron Ling, and I can personally attest that people snicker at him whenever he gets near the ball.

Summary: Burn him at the stake after stuffing his mouth with garlic and piercing his heart with a silver infused wooden stake.

Let the Balls begin

You know those guys that you sit behind at the cricket that seem to be able to pull out stats about obscure cricketers at will?

Or that weird looking girl that can recite the alphabet backwards whilst standing on one leg with a hula hoop around her neck?

Well, that's us and one of us has slept with her.

Alright, who are we kidding - Andrew slept with her.

This blog will be a dedication to the minutiae of sport from a parochial West Australian and an unbalanced Victorian.

Ladies and gentlemen...drop those balls.