C-Ball

Ok, so we got spanked by some little Chilean clay-courters who need to shave between games. But let’s be honest…we were all a little surprised that Australia even won a rubber. But they did - and in oppressive conditions. Sure, the Gooch is a ranga who could do with a meal…but he showed some grit. But the Balls heart lie with Carsten Ball! He is like a conglomerate of Australian tennis stars. He has Laver’s left hand, the Poo’s build, Rafter’s sickeningly pleasant demeanour, the Woodies volleying (but not their affection for the ball boys), and Jason Stoltenburg’s ski-slope nose.

And he can play. Pivotal in a doubles win and comfortably winning his singles. The C-Ball has won our hearts. And with Australian tennis being so shite, he’ll have ample opportunity to improve his win-loss ratio against the tennis powers that are Samoa, Kyrgyzstan and Burkino Faso. C-Ball, we salute you.