Jesse watch

As lovers of New Zealand Cricket, it is with great joy that the Balls announce the rearrival of Jesse Daniel Ryder, weighing in at 112kg.



Jesse, for those who don't know, is the best thing to come out of New Zealand since Ewan Chatfield. Think Richie McCaw crossbred with Danyon Loader and Hockey Pokey ice-cream. Think David Boon without the dietary self-discipline. Think Jabba the Hutt with pads on.

He introduced himself to the world at large with a punishing display against the Poms in a one-day series earlier this year. He was graceful, he was powerful, he was obese, he was, in all probability, drunk. And then Jesse did something that made all New Zealanders love him...he badly hurt his arm while trying to get into a locked toilet.

Such is the drama of Jesse Ryder.

And now, with a cool scar that New Zealand chicks are gonna dig (or chucks are gunna dug), he is back for the test series against Bangladesh. Whisper it quietly. Test series against Bangladesh. This is a marketing dream come true. Particularly when it becomes apparent he has sworn not to drink during the entire series. The Balls will guaran-goddam-tee he will drink during the series. And this opens up an off-field drama like no other since Warney swore off the smokes.

And Jesse will hit the drink while whaling into a bunch of likeable, competant and enchanting young Bangladeshis.

He will return a front-runner for the upcoming NZ elections and be feted a god.

Stay tuned for Jesse updates.

Jesse Ryder - The Balls' favourite Kiwi