Balls Of Gold

Eaglehawk 86-08 Half Back Line

2009-03-17T18:52:00.000-07:00

In the second installment of the Eaglehawk 86-08 side, MC Gregor talks us through the Half Back Line - one of the greatest groupings of players to have played the game, the West Coast Eagles half back line of the 1990's.

Half Back Flank - John Worsfold
Centre Half Back - Glen Jakovich
Half Back Flank - Guy McKenna

Individually, these men will go down as greats in the AFL. All AFL and WCE life-members. All cornerstones of the West Coast premiership sides in the 1990s. All hard men, who never gave an inch in crucial contest after crucial contest. Individually, they were superstars.

Glen Jakovich was rated by Mike Sheehan (the thinking woman's accountant) as the number one player in the AFL before being cruelly struck down by a knee injury in Subiaco's cruciate corner. A teenage prodigy as a South Freo full-forward, Jakovich and his magnificent mullet became a prominent feature in the West Coast backline while still a boy. His battles with Wayne Carey were legendary in the first half of the 1990s, and it is important to remember that Jacko won the majority of the battles convincingly. A reliable mark, smart (if somewhat awkward) kick, and always willing to put his body on the line, Jacko was an inspiration to a generation of WA kids. His only real weakness was when he replaced his mullet with a Dolf Lundgren-style haircut in the late 1990s. Terrible decision - worse than Dougie Hawkins playing for Fitzroy.

John Worsfold was hated by most AFL supporters. And for that, I will always love him. He was hard. He was tough. But, ultimately, he was fair. Unlike Ablett, there were no loose elbows. Unlike Dermie, he didn't bother with show-time. He simply smashed his tightly congested body into opponent after opponent at often terrifying speeds. He won games with his bumps (his hit on Gavin Wright quietened the Victorian Park mob, and led to a blistering period where Eagle's players prospered while Collingwood players tried to avoid being killed). His hits on Tony Modra and Dermie still makes many a grown West Aussie look wistfully into the distance and sigh, a small tear collecting in the corner of their eyes. And the way he terrified Ablett in the 1992 GF saw off any prospect for a repeat of 1989. Oh, and he actually was a pretty damn good footballer - and a true leader.

Guy McKenna, by contrast, kept a lower profile, but was just as good. 'Bluey' was struck down with gingervitis as a youth, but he overcome his debilitating inability to thrive in the sun, to become the first 'AFL quarterback'. Time and time again, he would set up plays along the half-back line. Always feeding Heady, Mainwaring, Kemp, Matera, Turley, Evans or any of the other Eagle runners. Yet, he wasn't simply a space player. He'd hit packs hard, make desperate spoils and would be, in contrast to a number of modern day backmen, accountable. Oh, and he was a nice guy. Or at least nice to a young lad with heady dreams, whom he met in the Red Rock hotel in 1997.

However, the individual stories do not equal the greater whole which was this trio. Together they changed football. Yeah right, I hear you laugh. Well, it might be best to remember that it was the Eagles in the early 90s who reinvented running football out of the backline. McKenna would spot up our mid-field, Jacko would run through opposition lines, and Woosha would just create space by being a homicidal freak. They knew instinctively where each other was, and they always helped to create space for each other. It was them who established the Eagles tradition of betting they could keep opponents below 12 goals in a game (which they did with scary regularity). It was also them who decided to not allow the Dockers any respite until the shadows of the new millenium.

History also has a habit of ignoring AFL half-backs. Not in this case. All three have gone on to display their footballs smarts. Woosha as a premiership coach. Bluey as the Gold Coast's coach and Collingwood assistant coach, and Jacko as the single worst football commentator west of Eucla (Steve Quartermain remains, of course, in a league of his own) - it takes talent to be that bad.

Kudos Kumar

2009-03-09T20:01:00.000-07:00

And just a quick word on Sangakkara. Magnificent.

Faced with the horrors of what he saw, he still took the time to emphasise that he regretted the attacks but not the tour. There are bound to be a number of hot-headed reactions to the attacks, but in the end we should all take a deep breath and stand back.

The Balls just hopes the Sri Lankan side were afforded the best security that was available.

Let's be serious for a moment

2009-03-09T19:58:00.000-07:00

International cricket is, ultimately, a limited affair. There are really only a handful of countries in the world who view it as a dominant sport. Pakistan is one of these. It is therefore essential that the international cricket community do everything it can to be ensure that cricket doesnt merely survive in Pakistan, but that it remains a source of hope, inspiration and happiness.

So what to make of the tragic events of 3 March?

Well, let's look firstly to a possible silver lining - Pakistan will now surely be more willing to play cricket in neutral venues and, thus, play more cricket full-stop. Of course, this is more of a silver foil lining, because the Pakistani people won't be given the opportunity to watch their players live. But it is something, and 150 million people can't fit into a stadium anyway (a glib comment, but true nonetheless).

This puts a bit of pressure on the international cricketing community. Venues, such as in the UAE would seem logical, but so would venues in England (which has a high expat population). Perhaps Australia, NZ, Bangladesh and others could also offer their services. But this is not enough. You would hope that with these offers of venues, would also come the offer of revenues raised.

Pakistan could and should be offered the gate profits from all such ventures. Now is the time for international cricketing communities to stand up and offer Pakistani cricket kind words, good pitches and some dosh.

But that is also not enough.

Why not capitalise on international good will and also go that step further. Young Pakistani cricketers should also be given the opportunities to develop overseas. Why not offer several scholarships to the Australian and English cricket academies. But better yet, why not offer a Pakistani A side a place in one of the premier domestic competitions in the world - perhaps even, dare we say it, the Sheffield Shield. This would only need to occur for a season or two, but I think it would not help serve Pakistani cricket...but perhaps also Australian cricket and its fans.
For example, why not base the team out of Canberra (who are pushing for a test in the next few years). They'll have a decent fan base, and the success of Pakistani cricketers playing in Australia recently has shown how readily Australians welcome international cricketers.

These suggestions are, I'm sure, going to be joined by a wide number of others, but The Balls just hopes that words are finally met with action. Cricket simply cannot afford to lose a pillar of international cricket.

p.s. The Balls has decided to not refer to India providing any support. This would be wonderful (and possibly a political masterstroke), but their is no real money in it for Indian cricket, so there is no chance it will go ahead.

Go North - life is peaceful there

2009-02-26T16:21:00.000-08:00

And yet, while the bitter taste of Philthy stays in the mouth, it has been partially washed away by the emergence of Marcus North.

On a juiced up Wanderers pitch, with his side in trouble, and having had to endure the diabolical demise of a fellow debutant, Marcus strode out (yes, STRODE) to meet what awaited him. And Marcus liked what he saw.

So now the Aussies are in a strong position on a deck which looks like it has a few tricks in it yet.

And so, once again, we are left to wonder...how would McGain have gone?

Philthy Phil's Philthy Debut

2009-02-26T15:21:00.001-08:00

Do we really need to go there? All the build up, all the anticipation, all the family members that he had head over to Jo'berg to watch him. And he does that.

Now, I've played some fairly low level cricket in my time, and even I've never seen such an ugly, ridiculous, disgusting shot on the 4th ball of an innings (granted, i've never watched myself bat, but that's beside the point).

Hayden, Langer, Boon, Marsh, Taylor, hell even Wayne Phillips will be wondering why they ever gave the game away.

Philthy - you stink.

Don't do it David. Think of the children!

2009-02-24T14:48:00.000-08:00

It appears the selectors are about to repeat their mistake of India - Boonie (blessings upon him) has suggested that pace and not spin is the best option for Australia in the First Test.

Is the pitch a juicy belter?

Probably.

South Africa has no spinner and feature world class quicks, so would be nuts to go in with a spinning deck. But, so what??

Australia needs to bowl the Sethers out twice. TWICE!. That will require, for the slower amongst us (big ups to Chappers) twenty wickets. Twenty.

Let me throw some names at you. Halfahouse (Duplex), Bollinger (Passion Pop), Siddle (Sores) and Mitchell (WA's most beautiful).

Johnson could bowl his ring off and there is every prospect they would still struggle to get twenty wickets. This isn't being mean - this is a cold hard assessment of a bunch of inexperienced test bowlers. Give them twelve months more, and I'll probably be wrong. But not tomorrow.*

So again we are left at the mercy of some floundering selectors. Will they choose McGain or will they not love Australia.

* The Balls has absolutely no idea what this would mean for the selection of North and/or McDonald. Logic would suggest if its a seamers deck you'd also want a bit more batting support. But logic is a two-faced whore, and would also suggest McDonald could be very effective. Logic is the kind of bastard who doesn't buy a round at the pub.

Eaglehawk 86-08 Backline

2009-02-23T21:12:00.000-08:00

The last line of defence and the first line of attack. The blokes that have had, over our football watching lives, the unenviable task of taking on players of the calibre of Lockett, Ablett, Modra, Lloyd, Salmon, Longmire, Lynch, Fevola and Gehrig to name a few. They've also had to take on the small forwards, the resting midfielders and still provide drive from the backline as their team took possession.

Considering all of this, choosing the backline was almost a no brainer.

A full back that could match it with anyone on a lead and in the air, but who could also more than hold his own in the body on body battles of strength. A back pocket that would niggle the small forward or resting rover, beat them with his strength and speed and, when his team was in possession of the ball, would break away to deliver the ball with pin point accuracy to his midfielders. The other back pocket was a man mountain. A man mountain that was aggressive, quick and one of the more skillful players going around. Able to beat most players in a foot race and in a battle of strength, this player was also able to provide silver service to his team mates when delivering the ball.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you The Balls' Eaglehawk 86-08 Backline from the Hawthorn Football Club:

Back Pocket: Andy Collins
Full Back: Chris Langford
Back Pocket: Gary Ayres

Eagles and Hawks - best of our lives

2009-02-23T20:50:00.000-08:00

As regular readers of The Balls will be aware, we have a West Coast Eagles supporter (MC Gregor) and a supporter of the reigning premiers Hawthorn (Mix Master D).

We thought that in the lead up to the upcoming AFL season, that it would be a good idea to put our heads together and come up with the best side we could, based on our own viewing of our beloved sides (ie, players from the past 20-ish years).

Now, rather than agonise over the individual positions and end up arguing with each other and someone losing their pants, we've decided to put together a 'best lines' team. That is, the best back line, best half back line, best centre line etc.

This also means that you're not just picking the best players, but those that played well together. That formed a partnershp, a team, a comaradarie, a posse, a gang, a mob, a crew, a murder, a school, a herd, a flock, a pack, a drove, a faction, a unit, a band...you get the idea.

We will do these over the next few days, and if we feel the desire, will compare it to a team that is comprised of non-Hawthorn and non-West Coast 'lines'.

I can smell the anticipation

Head to head - Andrew McDonald v Marcus North

2009-02-23T16:46:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a long time between drinks for The Boys From The Balls, but with an imminent overseas tour coming up for the Australian cricket team (and the subsequent trips to Eastlakes footy club to watch the games on the big screen whilst tucking into a chicken parma) and the AFL season a mere torpedo punt away, it's time to get back on the wagon.

And what better way to do so, than another edition in our "Head to Head" series. This time, it's the 2 blokes seemingly vying for the number 6 spot in the Australian side, Rockin' Ronnie McDonald and Severley Boringly Named North.

MC Gregor

Here it is laid out nice and simply. McDonald seems like a genuinely nice guy. He bowls a tight length. He's ok with the bat and would be a welcome personality in a team which is increasingly full of metrosexuals. But, tragically, he is a red-head and is therefore not suitable for anything other than amusing small children at parties.Plus North is better than him.

Mix Master D

But they're not really battling for the same spot. The way I see it, if the selectors want an all rounder, they'll pick McDonald to play at 6 or 7. If they want an extra batsman, they'll pick North to bat at 6. The fact that North bowls some offies (and seemingly good ones at that) is an added bonus. Kind of like Michael Clarke's bowling. And if Clarke isn't fit, they'll play both of them.

MC Gregor

I think for this test it’s a moot point, but if Australia plays on a spinners deck, then it is North v McDonald. North's right arm orthodox provides a bit of variety from McGain and Clark, and could be a strong bonus. Plus he's going to average 10-15 runs more with the bat. I really like the prospect of North as an all-rounder in the short-term, then fully fledged batter in the medium turn.

Mix Master D

He doesn't really provide any different to Clarke in that they're both part time slow bowlers. Spinner's deck or not, I'm not sure if the Australian selectors would want to burden North with being one of their genuine bowling options. I like to think of him as someone that can be turned to if required, but that shouldn't actually be playing as an all rounder. He is, after all, a batsman.

MC Gregor

He doesn't round arm sling like Clarke, plus I don't think Australia has really overburdened their fifth bowler for a long, long time. Indeed, Symo hardly bowled, McDonald got a few overs, but nothing out of the book. If the pitch is a seamers delight, then I think McDonald might be a better fit this Test. But on all other scenarios, I think having an additional bit of spin (particularly if it’s tight) and having a decent batsman (left hander to boot) would be too attractive to miss out on.

Mix Master D

I think you're just hating on McDonald cos you don't want to get in bed and snuggle with him

MC Gregor

Mix Master, he has no soul. He is the ginger un-dead. I can respect him...heck I can even like him a little...but I don't trust 'im. Plus I am assured that North is, like, the most tops cricket guy eva! OMG he, like, totally rocks.

Mix Master D

For fear of sending you into a youth-induced fit, I'll concede you this. North is a better batsman and should be selected if they wish to have a batsman. However, if they wish to have an all rounder, then McDonald is the man. North's bowling is a handy addition but you wouldn't pick him for it. Just like Michael Clarke (and he took his 6 wicket haul in a Test match).

MC Gregor

So it appears we kind of agree that North should be an option with the bat (perhaps long-term). Our only dispute is on whether McDonald is the better option on all types of pitches. I think that's as close as we're likely to get.

Mix Master D

I've tried to get closer, but you keep on pushing me away

MC Gregor

cough cough

Nathan Bracks Bracken the spinner

2008-12-09T05:36:00.000-08:00

So, apparently Nathan Bracks Bracken has decided that he's going to try to be a spinner to get into the Australian Test side.

Mother of God, spare me.

Buddy Love

2008-12-02T22:24:00.000-08:00

Since MC Gregor had a bit of an AFL related diversion (see Kising Cousins), I (Mix master D) thought that it was time to marvel at the wonder that is Lance "Buddy" Franklin.

Coleman Medalist
100 goals in a season (and even more ladies if the reports are to be believed)
Premiership Player

All in the 1 season and all at the age of 21.

Buddy - I love you. If you want me to, I will have your children. I will be your Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Kissing Cousins

2008-12-02T22:22:00.000-08:00

Now for something non-cricket related - Ben Cousins.

The former-West Coast star now looks like he may not play AFL next year, but there remains the prospect of the final pre-season draft as well as the possibility of Cousins being picked up by the Eagles on the rookie veterans list (like Ramanauskis).

As an Eagles fan, MC Gregor doesn't think the Eagles should take Cousins back.

As a Cousins fan, MC Gregor doesn't think the Eagles should take Cousins back.

The Club is only starting to pull itself together again after a disasterous 18-24 months which saw us lose our two best players to drugs and Carlton (not sure which is worse) and go from the Penthouse to the outhouse in record time. We can't look back and rely on a 31 year old with dodgey hamstrings and a questionable former-addiction, no matter how bloody brilliant he is.

The Balls also think Cousins needs to get out of Perth. He is exposed to too many 'underground figures' and is under the insane heat of the Perth press (trust the Balls on this, the focus on AFL footballers in Perth is worse than anywhere else). Ideally, Brisbane would pick him up and help look after him, and his family would possibly move to support him (although he should keep away from those troublesome Qld girls who almost ruined Watto's career).

The saddest thing has been the casting of Cousins as an angel, demon, angel and demon respectively. He has an addiction. It is a medical condition, and I'm pretty sure he wishes he didn't have it. AFL is a source of distraction for him, and he is pretty handy at it.

Here's hoping someone picks him up and gives him the support he needs.

Thanks for the memories Cuss!

Head To Head - Roy v Watto

2008-12-02T22:18:00.000-08:00

Look – we don’t want to have this discussion. The Australian selectors certainly don’t want to have this discussion. But it must be done – Andrew Symonds v Shane Watson

MC Gregor: Roy for me. He has form against the Yaapies in Perth, and his swing/spin actually offers bowling variety.

MixMaster D: But MC, when Watto bowls, Angels sing, butterfly's smile and small children skip merrily through the streets. And anyway, who's got the score on the board for Queensland this season. At this point, I will direct you to the most recent QLD shield match where Watto took 7/69 in the first innings and made 80-odd in the second innings. I believe these two innings alone place him above Roy in the wickets taken and runs scored this season.

MC Gregor: The team seems to prefer Roy, and his batting is better suited to number 6 than Watto's is. Plus he has dreadlocks, which are kinda cool. Oh, and he's a marketers dream.

MixMaster D: What? A pig shooting, drunken imbecile? How is that a marketers dream? And to be fair - I don't really care if the players would prefer to piss in Roy's pocket (as seems to be the case), I want someone that can get the job done. And let's look no further than India where Watto was the only bloke that was consistently moving the ball all day in each test. This has been my major criticism of Watto and he's rectified it.

MC Gregor: I like Watto, but just I just don't think he'll ever make it. Its fine for him to bat a bit lower in a shield side, and to have more luck with his bowling. But put him up a level and out of his batting order comfort. Plus, Watto has recently been rubbish in the field.

MixMaster D: True - Roy provides a magnificent asset by way of his fielding. He's clearly the best all round fielder in world cricket at the moment. But how long can that keep you in the Test arena? Watto can bat and Watto can bowl. Symonds is almost a batsman and is a genuine part timer with the ball. The selectors need to bite the bullet and get rid of Punters mate and bring in the bloke that can genuinely turn into the all rounder that all Australia has been craving since Freddy Flintoff showed us what damage they can do.

MC Gregor: I suppose it comes down to this. Roy has performed at the international stage. Watson hasn't. Granted he has had less time, but the baggy green has to be earnt. It isn't a right which comes along with a pilates class voucher.

MixMaster D: Agreed, but Watson's performances over the past few years have earned him an extended run in the Test side - Roy can have the one day side. Watson swings the ball, Watson seams the ball. Watson's bowling was what was always the big question mark. Now, he's turned chiropractor and straightened that question mark into an exclamation point -and trust me, he knows all about chiropractic.

MC Gregor: I'm running out of arguments

MixMaster D: And Roy is running out of time

Sheffield Shield: mid-season review

2008-12-02T21:58:00.000-08:00

Ok, so the Sheffield Shield has been heavily lumped into the first half of the 2008/09 cricket season. And this means that we are now ready for the mid-season review.

The season so far has been dominated by first innings collapses, some bowling friendly conditions and, as always, has been as predictable as Mitchell Johnson's line and length. So here we go.

Batsman of the season so far

MC Gregor: If anyone would have told me that the standout batter so far would be Michael Klinger, I would have laughed at them, given them a wedgie and urinated on their car. Klinger was, at best, mediocre. But no more. This season he has rattled off 775 runs at an average of a tick under 100. He has scored several tons (all of them very important, including a classy double hundred against an in form WA bowling attack), and a couple of 50s. Consistent is the word. Pomersbach has had a batting chart like a picket fence, while Go North and Rangogers have been improving with each game. A special mention to Rangogers, who is the only opener who has really overcome the new ball problems that have been endemic for the Shield batsmen so far.

Mixmaster D: It has to be Maxy Klinger. For a bloke that was in and out of Victoria more than David Beckham on his wedding night, this season has been remarkable. Maxy always struggled to cement his place in the Victorian side and decided that a change of scenery in the off season would be for the best. And how right he was. 750 plus runs at almost 100 is sublime form for anyone, let alone the number 3 in the worst team in the Shield. Kudos Maxy - hopefully he has the Australian selectors on the phone shortly.

Bowler of the season so far

MC Gregor: Oh how I want to say Go North. But I am going to split it between two polar opposites. One, a tall, smooth-shaven line and length bowler who uses discipline and height to snare his wickets. The other, an extra from a viking porn film who seems as genuinely perplexed as anyone when he hits a length, but who uses speed and dare to snaffle his wickets. Magoffin (McMuffin) and Dirk Nannes (Dirty Dirk) have been very, very good. I think McMuffin is a darkie for a test this year, and I'm just happy for Jrod that Dirty Dirk is having such a cracker - even though he is a dirty, stinking cheat who was banned from bowling against WA after two chest high full tosses (which, to be fair, swung).

Mixmaster D: I so wanted this to be either Noffke or Hilfenhaus. That would've made me a very happy Mix Master. Alas, it is not the case. And whilst Steve Magoffin and Dirk Nannes lead the wicket takers, Ryan Harris is my choice here. Another player that changed States in the off season, moving from SA to Queensland, he has certainly made it worth the Bulls while. In taking 21 wickets at 27 apiece, Harris doesn't have the most impressive average but the thing that impresses me is that his best bowling for an innings is 4/67. To me, this shows consistency across each game he's played. And that's what you want from a bowler. Magoffin and Nannes have gotten half their season’s wickets in just 1 match thus far. And as an end note - let me just say that Mark Cameron from NSW is unlucky to be playing for NSW as he'd walk into any other bowling line up in the country.

Surprise Packet

MC Gregor: Many a fool will say NSW. I say to them, I respect your office Mr Benaud but you are wrong. SA have been a delight. Tait has his mojo back. Klinger has joined with Khan in providing an interesting religious combination (but a successful batting one), and the rest of the side are being ably led by the ever-improving Manou (who is the best gloveman in Australia, and is rapidly diminishing the lingering doubts over his batting). They won't win the comp, and in fact they'll lose more games than they win, but they are competitive...which I don't think many people thought they would be.

Mixmaster D: Burt Cockley. Many of you will be scouring cricinfo to figure out who the hell I'm talking about, but it won't take long to find him. Yet another NSW fast bowler that has just slotted into the Shield team beautifully when he's been selected. After playing one match last season, he has played 3 matches this season and collected two 5-wicket hauls this season and 14 wickets at 17 and a bit. Taking the new ball and outperforming Passion Pop Bollinger in the most recent game against Queensland has only pushed young Burt up in my estimation. That, and the fact that his name is Burt.

Biggest Disappointment

MC Gregor: The Australian selectors. Imagine slogging your guts out in the toughest first class comp in the world, but then realising that genuine numpties have control over your chances to wear the green and gold. I love Merv more than any man should, but I just don't see what the selectors are doing. They have completely demoralised the Australian bowling stocks with some weird decisions and outright clangers, and why oh why do we continue to persist with this Roy/Watson debacle. Make a decision and stick with it! One or the other! OR NEITHER!!! Honourable mention to Tasmania who have been shaken by the Tassie quota debacle, and Queensland who are a one day side playing four day cricket.

Mixmaster D : Spinners, and in particular Dan Cullen. Now, we all know that Krejzy Eyes took 12 wickets on Test debut. But nobody would’ve predicted 6 months ago that he is the best slow bowling prospect in the country. The fact that Marcus North is the best performed spinner in the Shield this season (8 wickets at 30) says a lot. The Aussie selectors may as well resort to having a middle order of North, DHussey, Clarke and Symonds and get the spinning overs out of them. On to Cullen. It’s not his fault that he was anointed as the next in line, but he had the title and needed to damn well make sure he did his best to live up to it. Granted, he hasn’t been done any favours by not being persisted with regardless of his results, but he also has to repay some of that faith by taking something better than a wicket every 19 overs in the 3 games he’s played so far. And from what I can gather, he doesn’t use as much flight as he used to – this can only be a bad thing for his bowling. Come on Dan, come on other spinners – pull your fingers out.

Prediction

MC Gregor: WA will come third, and I will wander into the desert wearing a hair shirt and asking questions about life, its meaning and whether His Shaun-ness will reach form. Oh and Victoria will win the shield. WA the T20 and someone will probably win the one-day comp but I'm not certain about that).

MixMaster D: Philip Hughes will be the next long-term opener in the Australian side (much to the ranting and raving of ill-informed Victorians claiming a NSW bias) and Moises Henriques will continue his development and become the first genuine all rounder Australia has had since Simon O'Donnell.

The wheels on the bandwagon go round and round

2008-11-30T15:42:00.000-08:00

Today, Brad Haddin saved his test career from being prematurely ended. This is no small thing and he deserved plaudits for having the nuts to tough it out.

However, the Balls still has reserved seats in the Manou (immediately) and Hartley and Ronchi (for the future) bandwagons.

Whilst we're on topic - let's just also throw in the Chris Simpson for spinner bandwagon also.

Nerd-a-licious

2008-11-30T15:40:00.001-08:00

I, MC Gregor, say this as a New Zealand fan...but could the NZ fast bowling stocks very easily fit in with a comic book convention crowd?

I mean, the Balls hates to point out the obvious...but we really fear that they might speak Klingon (Mix Master D would like to poiont at that I have no idea what Klingon is nor who speaks it).

That being said, we respect them for being themselves, despite all the pressure from people who say that international sports stars should be cool. Nerd on good sirs...nerd on!!!

Ah, mine eyes. The goggles, they do nothing

2008-11-30T15:38:00.000-08:00

Is it just the Balls, or has the New Zealand cricket clothing designers taken part in some sick joke to make Jesse Ryder look even more rotund.

Surely there is little need to the tight fitting shirt in modern day cricket. But alas no...Jesse is forced to peel out of these shirts like an Olympic swimmer at the end of a race.

It's just cruel the way his shirt can't stay tucked in while he bowls. For shame NZ cricket.

WHITE, WHITE, BABY!!!!

2008-10-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

For the first time since choosing the large O Porto meal instead of the regular at lunchtime today, The Balls are wrong.

The Saviour Of The World has convinced the selectors that Krejzy Eyes is actually a genuinely rubbish excuse for a cricketer and that they should give him another go.

And for some bizarre reason, the listened to him.

Being wrong never felt so right!!

Krejzy eyes. One look at you and I cant disguise, Ive got...Krejzy eyes

2008-10-28T20:31:00.000-07:00

Well, it looks like the saviour of the world is going to have to spend time working on his cordial mixing ability.

There were inklings last week, murmurings over the weekend and rumblings over the past few days - Krejzy Eyes is going to make his Test debut.

Yes, the Australian selectors have decided to go with a spinner that not only threatens to spin a ball, but actually acts upon that threat.

I will follow him...

2008-10-28T19:50:00.000-07:00

You know, it's always nice to learn some new things.

Whilst we always knew that Bangladesh always follow up a good Test match with a shocker and that Daniel Vettori is the best finger spinner in the world, there is one thing that the latest NZ v Banga Test has taught The Balls.

The follow-on in a Test match is not set at 200 runs behind.

It actually can change depnding on when the first ball of the Test match is bowled.

We all know that "In a match of five days or more, a side which bats first and leads by at least 200 runs has the option of requiring the other side to follow-on."

However, if there's no play on the first day is and Day 2 is when it officially starts, then the follow on is 150 runs behind. Same for if Day 1 and 2 are unplayable and Day 3 is when the first ball is officially bowled.

Now, here's the relevant bit to this current Test match - one which had the first 3 days washed out

In a "two day match", the follow on is only 100 behind.

So when The Balls own Jesse Ryder commented on NZ being a chance to win if they could enforce the follow on, he wasn't suggesting they'd bowl the Banga's out for 61.

Although, knowing Jesse had been on the sauce since he dismissed himself for 91 - he probably wasn't aware of this nuance to the follow on rule and was just speaking his mind on how rubbish he thought the Bangas were.

Paint It Black

2008-10-28T15:33:00.000-07:00

Black isn't a color

Black isn't a shade.

Black is a state of mind. It is a mood, a sense and feel. When life isn't fair. When the world is shit and even red heads laugh at you. This is when a dark mood becomes black.

The Balls are black. No, it isn't syphillis (that is clearing up nicely by the way). Jesse Ryder, the Balls' own Jesse Ryder, has just been caught on 91, cruelly robbing him of his first test century.

Now the balls doesn't like to exaggerate, but this is perhaps the greatest injustice to human kind since Joespeh Stalin thought that it might be dandy to send his farmers north.

The Balls has lived through the pain of McCullum getting 90s. It has been heartbroken by Fleming not converting 50s. It has even been unable to forget Martin Crowe getting run-out on 299 (why Martin, WHY!).

The Balls don't blame the Banglis (although Vettori getting 3-0 does make me smile).

The Balls don't even feel to sorry for Jesse (he'll be drunk by now).

It's the people of New Zealand and all lovers of fat crickets who we weep for. They have seen a hero denied.

Black is our soul...black our hearts. Jesse, bring back the light.

Another one bites the dust

2008-10-20T20:42:00.000-07:00

Another Australian coach bites the dust, with Henry Lawson being told his services aren't required at the end of his current contract. Is his departure a sign that 'western' coaches struggle with South Asian signs, or more an indication that the Pakistan cricket infrastructure is not conjusive to long-term coaching aspirations. Probably both, yet neither (how Zen!)

Lawson is a good cricketing brain, but who knows what kind of people manager he is. And Pakistan is perhaps the most difficult cricket culture for an outsider to penetrate and dominate.

Coaches (of all background and style) come and go rapidly. Personal cricket grudges often translate into cricket-related law suits. Pakistani cricket infrastructure is not what it could be (understandable in the context of the groaning problems Pakistan otherwise faces). Pakistani cricket can veer between sublime and comical often several times an over (a significant issue for outsiders used to dull consistency). But there is also a declining love of test cricket - perhaps best exemplified by the abysmal attendances at the 2003-04 series against India.

An outsider also has a number of other issues to overcome. There is the minefield of cultural and religious sensitivities - likely to be a problem for an outspoken person like Lawson, who is more in tune to the 'call a spade a spade' atmosphere in Australia (where he also often raises hackles). Added to this are the personal and political issues which exist and thrive in every national sports beauracracy. How can an outsider know that there is an unspoken feud between player X and official Y? It was interesting to see Mohsin Khan (not exactly a giant of international cricket) undertake a rather vindictive attack on Lawson (and a particularly cruel reference to Swing King Terry).

What are the Balls trying to say? Well, we guess this will lead to a round of criticisms that 'western' coaches can't coach 'South Asia' sides. We think that is bollocks. Coaching is a difficult job, and in some places it is much more so. Often coaches are seen to be heralding in a new approach, a new era, and new level of success. If this happens, they are feted (Dav Whatmore, Duncan Fletcher, Bob Simpson, Dev), if they initially fail they are convenient scapegoats (Chappell, Miandad, Dev...again).

Coaches can coach anywhere. They just need two things, the ability to unify their team and a successful record (both of which are obviously not mutually exclusive). Interestingly, coaches in Australia and New Zealand are seen largely as bit players who are largely ignored in periods of success or failure (with the focus being on the senior players). Although, captains are also long retained assets. We seem to yearn for stability.

Anyhoo, just found it interesting because the Balls had thought that Henry would do ok (and had been a very firm advocate for Pakistan in Australia). We'd be interested in seeing why he was released? And others views on the difficulties of coaching in Asia (or perhaps 'western' difficulties in succeeding)?

What's going on? What's going on

2008-10-20T03:05:00.000-07:00

OK, there is still the prospect of the match being saved (though not won), but we are 3 1/2 innings into the match, so here is a couple of quick points on how things have gone.

1) India have been better. They have not been lucky. They are not winning because of bad umpiring (Ganguly's stumping was pretty awful, but so have been others for Australia). India has bowled better. India have batted better. India have fielded (although not better). They have been better. This cannot, and indeed should not, be disputed. Indian fans, be proud of your side. They have steel and they are playing brilliantly.

2) The world will not collapse. This is one test match. Australia are likely to lose this, and will do very well to save the series. But this is a long summer, and it will help to forge a few new Australian players into the test side. Let's not forget that a few of these players are a bit green from a lack of playing recently (Clarke has looked it). Australia have been top of the perch since 1995, they will stay there for a little bit yet (India needs to improve their away record). This will give a bit more spice to the Sth Africa and NZ tours.

3) Australia's uber aggressive start was actually smart. It put the India on the backfoot, and if they have gotten through tea and perhaps been 0/100 half an hour into the next session, things would have been interesting. A win was not really an option, but the start had already started to push the field back. Unfortunately Flea and Brazen played bad shots.

4) Watson has shown a bit (although I'd like him to bowl better). Tuckerbox has done ok (but I still think Ronchi is an option). Rednose day is raw.

5) How good is cricket! India are playing beautifully and Australia seems down...almost an inverse of 2001...here's hoping this series has another twist!

Singh, Singh, Singh, SIngh

2008-10-20T01:40:00.001-07:00

Oh dear. After being 0/49 off 7 overs, the Aussies are now 2/50 off 8.

Haydos getting given out LBW to one which probably hit him juuuuust in line.

Then Flea decided to have a slog. Well, a Flea Slog. It sliced to Tendulkar at point who dived forward and took the catch.

Oops.

So, whip crack away, whip crack away, whip crack awaaaaay

2008-10-20T01:17:00.000-07:00

Matthew Hayden is going mental.

Not like Jen Bruce or Crazy John - genuinely mental.

He's hit about a thousand fours, even trying to smash the first ball of the innings out of the park. It landed 20 metres in from the boundary and plugged like a good 9 iron, but the intention was clear.

He's currentl sitting on 29 not out off 18 balls.

Even Flea is going at about 75 - the TV is showing me ad's at the moment of some bloke that can't spell so I don't know what the score is

The road is long

2008-10-20T00:46:00.000-07:00

As INdia have declared. Now, I was OK with them batting for an hour. But to take drinks and then bat for one over after drinks (scoring only 6 runs) before declaring - that smacks of Ganguly's influence.

516 to win in 4 sessions and 45 minutes.

I would walk 500 miles...

2008-10-20T00:35:00.000-07:00

And apparently they're going to walk some more.

A 6 just put India 505 runs n front.

And all the TV can do is show Gary Kirsten not talking to anyone, not saying anything, probably wondering why Peter didn't make more Test runs.

Oh look - Brett Lee's bowling rubbish again.

You just keep me hanging on

2008-10-20T00:29:00.000-07:00

India continue to bat. They have a lead of 491 with Dhoni and The Princess at the crease.

Well, The Princess is now out - skying one off Brett Lee who has been pissed off after not being bowled properly in the first session. By properly, we mean as much as he wanted to. Cos he's Brett and he thinks he's awesome.

Sachin has just come out and got some advice from Gary Kirsten on his way out. I suspect it was something like - "Hey Sachin, you know how you're awesome at batting? Yeah, continue that awesomeness"

Bangladesh - just a...slice of heaven

2008-10-20T00:09:00.000-07:00

It's a funny feeling to find yourself supporting a side against your own. But this is the situation i find myself in. My heart is all black, but i really, really want to see Bangladesh beat NZ.

Why? Because it would make over 100 million people happy. Because it is a better thing for the game of cricket. Because the Banglis have shown determination all game. Because NZ sports fans are already largely immune to pain.

It will give the Banglis much needed confidence. It will give them positive attention. So go you little Bangers...GO!!!

I Still Call Australia GONE

2008-10-19T23:04:00.000-07:00

Well, it's lunch on Day 4 of the Second test and with wickets to The Great One and The Saviour Of The World, India are 2/230.

Really, they're 2/431 after The Milky Bar Kid and Brazen were the only batsemn to show any stones (with some handy assistance by the Blonde haired bouncer machine) in Australia's first innings.

Dhoni has promoted himself ahead of Sir Blockalot, and with The Prince at his side will ensure an entertaining hour after lunch as the Indian's will go spanky, spanky and have an hour at the Aussies with a lead of 500.

The Milky Bar Kid reckons we can win.

I reckon the Milky Bar Kid was delirious from spending that much time in the middle.

Bang, bang, bang on the door baby

2008-10-19T22:50:00.000-07:00

Bangladesh have given themselves their best chance at defeating a real cricketing nation in a Test match with a patient batting dosplay and awesome bowling from some bloke who no doubt is a spinner.

7/36 and 71 in the second innings from Shakib Al Hasan is a pretty good game - but it will all be for nothng ig the Tigers don't get up.

Daniel Vettori, meanwhile, continues to show the world that he basically IS New Zealand cricket with 5/59, 55* and 4/74.

Man Of The Match will be pretty easy to pick - just got to see which side wins and choose one of the blokes above

So, New Zealand are chasing 317 for the win - and if they do it will be only the second time they've ever chased a target above 300 (the other being v Pakistan at Christchurch in 1994, chasing 324).

And, in the absence of MC Gregor's Kiwi bias - The Balls so want The Mighty Tigers to come up trumps.

Come on you Jamie Siddons led champions!!

Woh oh, the Vics are getting bigger

2008-10-16T02:48:00.001-07:00

Disco Stu Mk II is out

Pete "Red Nose Day" Siddle is in

It's a very good day for Victoria.

WA WA Nee

2008-10-14T19:43:00.000-07:00

MC Gregor's own WA are off to handy little start in the shield.

Up against a team of 11 future Australian players, WA won the toss and managed to handily win the first innings (despite a brutal batting display by Bracken and some frustrating innings from the WA bats). More importantly, WA overcame their fear of gingas and overcame a Thornley-led comeback in the second innings to dismiss the future test XI for 310. leaving just a tick over 220 to get.

At 0/50 at stumps on day 3, it looked a formality. And yet the final day featured a number of outrageous surprises. Firstly, WA DIDN'T collapse! But not only that, they scored at a brisk rate and their best two young bats LIVED UP TO EXPECTATIONS. And in the biggest surprise of all, WA won with a leg in the air.

Bunch of Poms scored at a run a ball to reach a brutal 70-odd, while His Seanness was the picture of control, moving to a regal 70-odd not out. Here's hoping the don't go out to drink to their success!

However, the story of the match was not the batting. The story was Magoffin (or McMuffin as The Balls prefer to call him). This young man has been WA's most consistant bowler for the last several seasons, and this game may well be his turning point. With match figures of 10/102 (including a satanic 6/66 in the second innings), McMuffin has finally put his name first and foremost in the minds of Australian selectors and other second-rate sports 'experts'.

He is a bowling metronome, and does a fair bit with the pill. He also has had a bit of success with Worcester and has put the fear of gold into the Sri Lankans after taking 4/14 against them in the last Northern season. Start talking about him now. Drop him into conversation, and make yourself look smarter. The Balls likes him.

Huss lifts us up where we belong

2008-10-14T18:14:00.000-07:00

The big dog has recovered his spot. Huss is back to number one in the ICC batting charts. But he had to fight of a number of other contestants for the big dog prize.

Shiv, a terrier, just kept biting and biting. Huss ripped out his jugular...but like in all good horror films, you just know he isn't dead.

Sangga, like a majestical hunting hound, looked magnificent, but lacked the conditioning for the fight.

While Bourbon and Beefsteak, like all mongrels, flew between brilliance and unrepentant anger. He even bit at the groin...but Brazen won out. And the world seems a better place.

Meanwhile, the Consultant sits pretty in second in the bowling stakes. It'll be interesting to see how his elbow comes up and whether he'll play. If not, would the selectors go with Siddle or Passion Pop? Maybe they could display some cruets and fly Maggofin over? The world awaits...

TJ's son and Norm Smith ton up on Day 1

2008-10-14T16:41:00.000-07:00

Well, the good guys have finished Day 1 of their Sheffield Sheild match against Bogan-town in a ridiculously commanding position - 2/352.

164 to Tony Jewell's son and 100* to Brad "Norm Smith" Hodge were the highlights after Victoria's own Chris Rogers started his season with 63.

Ominously, Shameless Hussey is 8* overnight, those runs being scored through 2 boundaries.

Play on Day 2 is about to kick off and The Balls would like to pay resepct to one of Bogan-town's finest hurlers of the rock, Paul Rofe, who became the 9th player to take 200 Sheild wickets for SA. Now, piss off and let the Vics build a massive score

Victoria's own Chris Rogers

2008-10-13T19:46:00.000-07:00

That beautiful and deeply patriotic Victorian Chris Rogers has kicked off his 2008/09 Sheffield Shield season with a half century against South Australia.

With the Vics boasting the best batting line up ever witnessed anywhere in world cricket, True Blue Chris and Tony Jewell's son have pushed along to 0/95 after the first over of the second session.

With Brad "Norm Smith" Hodge and David "Shameless" Hussey next in, it looks as though the Vics will score close to 1,200 and pick up 6 points before tea on Day 2.

Cameron White breaks India's heart

2008-10-13T16:30:00.000-07:00

Let's all take a moment to marvel at the beauty that was Cameron White's first ever Test match wicket.

Sachin Tendulkar

On 49

15 runs shy of breaking Brian Lara's run-scorign record

Now, I have watched the delivery a few times and am amazed that he took the wicket by tossing the ball up. That's just not the Cam White that everyone was expecting.

More thank you Cameron.

More cricket

2008-10-11T23:45:00.000-07:00

* For those that are watching this game, I imagine you're getting as bored as we are at the continual replays of ZK holding the ball across the seam. Mark Nicholas is talking about it lke he's explaining how to tie a shoelace to a camel.

* And in a massive surprise, an Indian fieldsman has just given up a chase for a ball that trickled into the boundary. In an even bigger surprise, it was His Royal Highness Sauruv Ganguly. Now, India really only have themselves to blame for putting him on the boundary. I guess giving up boundaries is better than having him drop catches. And it also means the other fieldsmen don't have to talk to him. Or hear about his new investment oportunities.

* Brendan Julian really is a handsome man. I don't know what he's trying to sell me, but I want several

* It is a sad indictment on the state of this cricket match when the most exciting thing is watching the chocolate machine skill tester thingy tear the heart out of small children that are expecting a bounty of chocolates for their $2 investment. ONly to come up empty handed. It even sucked in MC Gregor who just lost 45 seconds of his life trying to get a mini Crunchie

* A replay has just been shown of Tendulkar's dismissal. The best part about it is Brazen's celebration. he had nothing to do with it but runs around jumping in the air like he's just kicked the winning goal in a soccer match. And he's not celebrating with anyone else - just himself

* Television seems to be intrigued with slow motion replays of Ricky Ponting leaving the ball. Love it.

* Rudi is getting sick of Bhaji's appeals now. He's actually enjoying giving them not out.

* Bhaji is bowling pretty well to B&B at the moment. I think it's a combination of B&B being really tentative and Bhaji appealing for everything - he was a little disgusted to find that the new "caught at leg slip off the pad" rule isn't yet in force at Test level

* Whatever happened to mix tapes? CD has destroyed this wonder of the 80's

* Wicket - The Chef has finally decided that he'd use his pads on a ball that was going to crash into the stumps. About time - at least something has happened

* It's like Australia have invested heavily on a draw. John the bookie is nowhere to be seen as yet

* boooooooooooring

* Oh look, Flea is there. He just prodded one off Bhaji through the hands of the little fella at short leg. The five foot Tasmanian with the flared trousers would no doubt have snaffled that chance

* 0-17 and ZK is getting some decent swing out there. Why then they have Bhaji on the other end instead of Sharma is a little bizarre. Apparently Katich has 5 off 30 - I can't recall him facing a ball. Perhaps I've just erased those occasions from my memory

* The Chef seems really intent on trying to belt the living Christ out of Bhaji's bowling. Alas, the continual picking out of Indian fieldsmen is proving a major deterrant to scoring runs

* The Aussie batsmen really have to start using their bat. The umpires are getting sick and tired of turning down ridiculous LBW appeals

* Bhaji is disgusted that he didn't get an LBW. The fact that it hit The Chef about a foot outside off stump was my reasoning for it not being given. Bhaji didn't want ot listen to my reasoning though

* Weird - Harbhajan is bowling the second over after lunch. maybe Krumble read that article where he said that he wants to bowl well in the second innings. What an amazing comment.

* As the players come out for the second session of Day 4, we read that Sam Newman is playing the role of fun police and telling all those no good punk kids that are moving in to Docklands apartments that if he catches them skateboarding or riding their BMX then he'll give them a stern talking to and put them over his knee.

Qatar - who?

2008-10-11T23:05:00.000-07:00

What a massive lead up to this game against one of Australia's traditional rivals.

I think we need to doff our cap to those behind Australian Soccer (ie the Hungarian cassanova, Les Murray). To think that Australia could handle a four week lead up for a soccer game between Australia and a small royal enclave on the Arabic Peninsular. But excited we are.

The game against Uzbekistan (hands up those who didn't need to google where that is) was an appetiser for what is to come.

Adelaide United's success against the pride of Tashkent has kept soccer's momentum up.

Here's a quick primer:

Qatar, nicknamed the Maroons (a little known tribute to Alfie Langer...who the Sultan is nuts about) have never played in the World Cup finals. They didn't get out of the group stages of the Asia Champs. They represent a country of 1.3 million, many of whom are stinking rich and thus wouldn't dare to ruin their pedicures by kicking a football. Featuring a number of popular Qatari names, such a Cesar, Passos and Sebastian, the side is ranked 81 in the world.

But hey, they're a step up on Samoa and Nauru.

So roll on Wednesday. Shame it's only on Fox.

ADDENDUM by Mix Master D

Only one half of The Balls actually thinks that soccer is a sport.

Australia's Second Innings

2008-10-11T22:34:00.001-07:00

* 0/9 A last ball lBW appeal is treated with barely hidden disdain by the pudgey Seth Efriken.

What are our thoughts? (a) Shaka's beard is kinda cool, (b) Katich is hard to watch batting, (c) NZ will not become a maor export provider of curaitors, (d) Stu should link our blog, (e) AFL draft week is a waist of time, and (f) in the right light, Hillary Clinton looks a bit like McCain.

* And Queensland have picked up all the points. Wonder how many sides have won with an inning of 60-odd? WA and NSW is interesting. NSW about 100 ahead with 5 wickets in hand. I wonder if the WA batting line up can go on with their innings a bit better in the next dig.

* 0/8 Slowish start with a lot of variable bounce. The next session will need a bunch of runs or wickets for this to be of interest in the 5th day.

* Stu thinks Sharma would look ideal bowling in a Megadeth shirt. The Balls concurs.

* Flea is wearing a new style helmet - I have nothing more to add

* Sachin Tendulkar has "ST" on his white, floppy hat. Now, I don't know if that's because he is worried that Bhaji is going to steal it or if it's his new line of clothing.

* Hayden's made a run - praise the lord, hail the day, call a public holiday.

* And for the 19th time since this Test match started, the commentators have mentioned the 2001 Calcutta Test match. Apparently India won

* And in other news, Daniel Metropolis is the topic of conversation around the table at the moment - 5 goals with his first 5 kicks in the AFL.

* The Chef looks like a pig trying to play a harmonica at the moment. A close LBW shout not given and now it's Flea's turn to poke and prod his way around

* 1st ball - and The Chef has just thrown everything at the first ball. He missed - thankfully the Indians didn't appeal this time so he stays.

* The Indian's just spent a good 3 minutes in a tight circle, arms around each other. I think they were singing Khe Sanh

Indian tail continue on their merry way

2008-10-11T21:59:00.000-07:00

* With the pitch starting to play some tricks, Flea and The Chef are going to have some testing times with the Adam's Apple and Shaka Khan moving the ball and using the variable bounce. Interesting times ahead.

* Fox have figured out that slow motion montages of cricketers playing cricket is much better than slow motion montages of Asad Raouf making decisions.

* Wicket - All out 360. Adam's Apple out bowled by Pup. At 6/195, India were looking in all sorts. Now they look likely to have saved the test. great batting by Shaka Khan and Harbhi. Bowling was a bit wayward. I believe Tuckerbox was India's 6th top scorer.

* The balls are fortunate enough to be joined by Stu (of footy wrap fame). We've just finished discussing how he has yet to link to our blog. Now we're discussing the grand final challenge system in 1913 which gave Fitzroy a premiership and St Kilda fans some additional heart break. Seriously, St Kilda fans...check out some other sides...it'll put years onto your life.

* 9/359 (71 behind) Watto seems to be in-ducking it a fair bit. He looks the more likely wicket taker. The ball now seems to be struggling to get over knee heigh. They'll be just over five sessions for two innings. This game is a draw unless (a) Australia collapses, or (b) they score at a decent enough clip to put India back in.

* The advantage of watching the cricket down at Eastlakes Footy Club is seeing blokes that are betting on the ponies running (well, hobbling) to the betting machine thingy to put their slips in - I don't know why but it amuses me.

* Bourbon & Beefsteak is bored. He's running around the field like a gay monkey throwing the ball to everyone - that's leadership

* 23 byes - Tuckerbox hang your head

* BTW this might be a chance to give a shout out the other lads at the Panthers First Grade side...big first up win yesterday lads.

* The folks in TV land are currently showing how it's been tough for Tuckerbox behind the stumps due to bad bounces etc. I say - you've got pads and gloves, stop your whingeing and pick up the ball. MC Gregor strongly disagrees with this assertion however. 'Keepers - I still don't get them

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An hour into Day 4 and the Aussies have only managed to get the one wicket - Apil Krumble lbw to The Milky Bar Kid.

Zaheer Khan has made his 50 and the Australian bowlers seem to be determined to bowl as much crap on leg stump as possible.

Oh, and there's ice on the field. Apparently, this was worthy of a good 10 seconds of commentary and footage.

Gabriela Sabbatini has joined ZK and has just shown Punter up for deciding to have a maaaasive gap between keeper and slip - 4 runs through the gap.

The Milky Bar Kid is getting some good swing and the Big Fosters Can with the Akubra is on the field.

And we get treated to Mark Waugh's insights - apparently it's frustrating to not get tailenders out. Kudos Junior.

Interblog Warfare - Blacks v Wallabies in Hongkers

2008-10-10T04:19:00.000-07:00

Moses, we both seem to like the rugger and a bet.

You're a Wallaby fan. I, MC Gregor, am an All Blacks fan.

Unfortunately the last Bledisloe is a dead-rubber...so let's make it interesting.

If Australia wins. I'll write a mea culpa, heartbroken, humble match report for your blog. It will be white hot with pain and regret. If the Blacks win, you can do the same on the Balls?

Shall we dance?

Random sport thoughts

2008-10-10T04:08:00.000-07:00

* When did Uzbekistan become Australia's main soccer rival?

* AFL Trade week is a farce. Rhys Shaw is off to Sydney for a third round pick and some quince paste. Big whoop. I bet every Collingwood fan is happy to get rid off him...although Tony Shaw will crack it...which makes me smile.

* Todd Carney has said he's an idiot. Smart lad.

* Layne Beachley has retired. Surfing names just got less ironic.

* Julie Bishop is now a Director at the West Coast Eagles. You just know she's going to sleep with Lynchie...I hope he throws the glove off.

India are away

2008-10-10T02:34:00.000-07:00

* And it is bucketing down. the players run like the overpaid, hair-gelled fiends they are...while the good, honest, hard working folk of the world (me) are left to watch Dallad re-runs and that friggin' underarm game AGAIN.

The science of covering the pitch is being turned on its head out there. There are 42 groundsman for each square metre. There are gaps between the covers and it seemed cruel to have 85-year old men having to run 150 metres dragging a ton of plastic out to the middle. but the younger generation are probably paying their pensions, so they can earn their keep.

0/68 - I'm glad there's no third man. he'd be exhausted by now. And here comes the rain. Watson bowled six balls and gave an anguished cry after each one. did he almost get a wicket? No. Did he bowl a good over? No. The man is an mystery, wrapped inside an injury.

* I'll give him this - Watson can give a brooding stare. He then bowled six balls in the exact same spot...unfortunately this is a left/right hand pair.

* Johnson v Sehwag really is a test of strength. Both just muscle the ball around. But Mitch plays for WA, so will win out.

Watson is on as B&B starts to look for a run out. Watto brings the princely bowling average of 61.5...what a player!

* India off to a very solid and fast start. Just what they need. Australia will look to build the pressure and make some things happen. Either way, this will be a terrible pitch on which to bat last. Mark Waugh wants White to have a bowl...I think his hair piece must be starting to take root.

* 0/55, what has B&B got against 3rd men...the Aussies always bleed runs there. Haddin just said he hadn't taken a catch despite some loud appealing. I suspect that was a dig at Sehwag. Unfortunately he has broken a team rule...look for Huss to keep the second dig. BTW - Clarke looks pissed...interesting. And here comes the massive Foster cans!

* Sehwag really smacks everything. He's like Ijaz Ahmed, who used to log chop everything through point. I'm tearing up.

* We're reflecting here on how good Brazen is. He can seem dull...but not to me. He hits the gaps, which creates different gaps. Then he say's 'fuck you very much' and puts the ball there. I swear, he was making Sehwag run just for shits and giggles. I'm being hosted by two Tasmanians who suggest he may have Tassie blood. Maybe, but only on his knuckles.

* 0-41 - several tight overs, which was what was needed. This pitch is really starting to keep low. Bet Australia wished they'd gone with a spin bowler.

* 0/36 - A Bollywood slow ball goes past at ankle height...which is weird because Sehwag was jumping to fend down a bouncer. Goes just down leg. Sehwag looks a little sheepish. Bollywood is starting to go red...that always makes me smile.

* 0/25 There are some tight singles being taken...and each time the batsman starts with a hesitation. Gambhir also has an adorable habit of playing a defence shot and trying to look for a run without actually knowing where the ball is (usually its right near his feet). Cute. His Seanness is out...I blame the CIA.

* 0/17 Sehwag tries to run himself out. Then 9-irons one back over the bowlers head. Sehwag is trying to usurp Inzi as the world's worst runner!

* NSW all out for 177 (top score Bracken with 60-0dd batting 10!). His Seanness leading the WA riposte.

0/10 Sehwag plays a magnificent cover drive for four. Then shows the footwork of a camel off the next ball. Clarke is zeroing in as the next one almost bowls him off the edge.

* 0-6, Lee is swinging it a fair bit, but all down or towards leg. Haddin is having a tough time of it, but one sneaks by for 4 byes. tough way for a keeper to start an innings.

Australia - First Innings

2008-10-10T02:27:00.000-07:00

Slow but steady.

Bowling: Spinners only got one wicket from 80-odd overs. Indian quicks looked good, but helped by an ordinary pitch.

Batting: B&B, Brazen and Flea all judged the conditions well. They nudged the good bals and hit the bad. it was exactly what was required. Tuckerbox is starting to look a little more like a test batsman...but Ronchi is lurking. Hayden was unlucky, but that's how it goes. White was not unlucky. Lee did a job.

Fielding: Very Indian. Peter Roebuck said they'd done ok...that says a bit about how loose Roebuck is.

Who is front: Australia, but draw isn't far behind. Hard to see India win without a very good start.

Session 3 - massive

2008-10-10T02:06:00.001-07:00

* All out 430. Brazen drags it on and goes for 146. Middle stump flew. India really is good for having stumps fly. Good soil. Not too much clay, not too much sand. Good fly.

Moses, sorry mate. You're not having a good run.

* Wicket! Mitchell cleverly decides to reserve his energy and get bowled. Clever.

Moses' bet on Australia get 450 is looking shaky. 21 to get, be here comes the Contractor!

* 429-8, Mitchell almost gets of the mark with a 5. Through Dhoni's legs (I will resist giving him a spray) and Dravid deflects it to within an inch of the helmet laying behind dhoni. then brazen reverse sweeps for four (over the top of first slip!)

* WA's own Mitchell Johnson saunters to the crease. He faces the likes of Maggofin, Innes and Heal on a daily basis in the nets...this should be a cakewalk. Huss lathers one to deep square. Harbhi dives and makes a very good save.

* Wicket 421-8, ball keeps low and comes in, taking out Bollywood's off stump. I am putting up my hand for mocker of the year.

* 421-7 Brazen is calling for ones before he actually hits it. Be afraid India...be very afraid.

I'm settling down to a well cooked t-bone while watching foxtel interactive. we have our opening match of the cricket season tomorrow. happy as a dog with two dicks.

Bollywood Charm

2008-10-10T02:01:00.000-07:00

Ok, here's a quick thought. I want to not like Brett Lee. He's a bowler. He good looking. He's from NSW.

But I really, really rate him. Why? Has there been a player who tries as hard for his country in recent years.

I think of him getting smashed on the body time and time again in 2005, and how his batting stood up even when his bowling was falling away.

He took his dropping during the last Indian tour like a man. Busted his arse and got back in.

He's just had a pretty horrible thing go down in his life. He stood up and is being counted.

On the other hand, he acts in Bollywood films and is a singer. These contrasts torment me.

Day 2 - first 2 sessions

2008-10-10T01:45:00.000-07:00

I'm Lance Armstronging today (a lonely ball) today, so lets put down a quick summary.

Australia has moved to 7/416. Brazen 135* and Lee 26*.

To magnificent tons were brought up...Brazen's and Apil Krumble. Brazen is amongst the runs like a coprophiliac at a loose stoolfest. He is going slowly, as is the Australian innings. I think its the way to bat. There are ten sessions left in this test, and India are primed for one of their first test collapses for which they are famous.

Watson was no good. His technique wasn't enough to save his pegs. His average was the second worst in the test team (prior to White coming and going).

Kumble 0/117 from 41 overs. But hey, he's bowled two maidens. Actually, apart from his stupid 'only one side playing cricket' comment, I've always like Apil.

Tuckerbox looked good after a slow start, before getting out to a poor shot of a slower, slower ball. But he can take comfort that Cam White then came out and fell to the EXACT...SAME...BALL.

Meanwhile Brazen inside edged to 100 (he has a habit of getting his tons from risky shots). And the newly-single Brett Lee came out to bat.

Synopsis - is a big word. Australia are well in front. There are criticisms of their pace, but anyone who has played on a variable pitch knows how hard it is to score quick. i think a late declaration could set up the game tonight.

But the big news - ABC radio isn't using Kerry O'keefe (he of the laugh) and Harsha Bogle (who really works best with Kerry anyway.

Shane Watson is better than Matthew Hayden

2008-10-09T22:14:00.001-07:00

Unfortunately he is only 2 runs better than Matthew Hayden

And only in this innings

Australian cricketers nicknames

2008-10-09T06:01:00.000-07:00

OK, we probably should've put this up before the First Test, but we didn't. Whatever.

It's important for an Australian cricketer to have a nickname which is not just a halving of the surname and adding of a vowel - Marto, Watto, Haddo, Katto, Johnno etc

So, we're going to provide The Balls nicknames for Australian cricketers. Some easy to follow, others not so much

Matthew Hayden - The Chef

(Has put out more cookbooks than Steve Waugh has tour diaries)

Simon Katich - Flea

(Katich = Cat Itch = Flea)

Ricky Ponting - The Bourbon & Beefsteak

(We'll never forget a young Ricky sporting a black eye courtesy of an altercation in a Bourbon and Beefsteak in Kings Cross)

Michael Clarke - The Bingle Bungle

(Lara - she seems like such a sweet girl. I, personally, blame Fev)

Michael Hussey - Brazen

(Self explanatory, Brazen Hussey. His brother David is Shameless)

Shane Watson - The Milky Bar Kid

(Needs to drink a lot of milk to build up strength in his bones to stop constantly breaking)

Brad Haddin - Tuckerbox

(Grew up in Gundagai, near where the dog sits on said tuckerbox)

Cameron White - Saviour Of The World

(Self explanatory, he's the greatest guy ever)

Brett Lee - Bollywood Charm

(self explanatory)

Mitchel Johnson - Work Experience Kid

(Comes along, looks young and fresh faced, tries to do the things that everyone else does but fails)

Stuart Clark - The Consultant

(Came into an established line up to replace a retiring stalwart who was taking all the corporate knowledge and nobody else in the team had the right skills)

Ponies

2008-10-09T05:27:00.000-07:00

So, watching the GG's (no, not that outspoken old woman, the equine variety) recently, I thoguht it would be a good idea to get some early bets on for the big races this Spring to take advantage of the juicy odds on offer.

Firstly, a few weeks ago I had money on Samantha Miss for the Cox Plate @ $21. Since then, she's gone from strength to strength and I'm looking for a nice collect in a few weeks time. Currently, she's third favourite at $6 behind Weekend Hustler and Princess Coup.

For the Melbourne Cup, I was impressed with Zipping's run the other day and so plonked some coin on him at $19. Suspect he'll come in to about $5 on the day.

Caulfield Cup - I really want to get on big Mal but Littorio is making me second guess. Maldivian should run the journey and be able to hold of Master O'Reilly, but with Weekend Hussler and Littorio in the field I just don't know. Will probably sling a few bob his way though cos the $19 on offer is too good to pass up. Will also have a dabble n Pompeii Ruler at $15

As for this weekend - we'll see how these go. If they come good, I'll keep on tippig. If not - I'll happily hang up my punting hat for the Spring!:

Yalumba Stakes (Caulfield R5) - Pompeii Ruler, Casual Pass, Largo Lad for the trifecta

Toorak Handicap (Caulfield R6) - Orange County from Bon Hoffa and The Fuzz

Caulfield Guineas (Caulfield R7) - Lord Tavistock to upset the favourites with Von Costa de Hero pushing hard for a place

Wrapping It Up

2008-10-09T04:29:00.000-07:00

Well, a wicket to ZK in the first and last over of the day really helped INdia to pull back to almost level pegging with Punter's glorious 123 setting the foundation for Australia's total of 4/245.

Ishant Sharma's hair is struggling with the humidity and is nowhere near as straight and shiny as it was in Australia.

The Australians that wore helmets all wore the old school ones - perhaps cos the peak is longer and it will keep the sun out of their eyes when the spinners toss the ball up?

Kumble bowled rubbish.

Indian fielding is still, on the whole, shithouse. There was one fella that seemed to be excited and throwing himself around. We can only imagine that he's the new opener that will play 2 Tests and then disappear into obscurity like the previous 12 opening batsmen.

Final stretch

2008-10-09T03:12:00.000-07:00

* And in a tragedy of technology, the laptop battery died with 3 overs to go. So, wat did we miss? The new ball being taken and ZK bowling a ripper of an in-swinger to Bingle that kept low and hit him in front of middle. Slow death came and stumps followed with Australia on 4/245 - honours slightly with Australia, but a lot resting on the shoulders of Watson, Haddin and White. to post a 450 plus total

* 3/245 and it is good to know that the Indian ball boys have learnt not to stand right at the boundary with their head down waiting of rhte ball to come to them only to see it hit the rope and almost knock their teeth out. Well done.

*Anil Kumble has just bowled probablt the worst over of the day. Three half trackers that got hit to the boundary combined with one where he seemed to try to hide behind the umpire before bursting out and surprising Clarke. Unfortunately, this was one of the half trackers.

* By the way, for other comments on this Test match go to both Fly Slip and Cricket With Balls

* With 15 minutes left, Brazen and Bingle are looking to stumps. I reckon the new ball has to make an appearance for a few overs here - a few balls into the rib cages.

* India have the new ball due but are continuing with the old one with Bhaji throwing them down and getting belted by Brazen. Firstly into sill mid off and then to the boundary - where surprisingly a good piece of fielding stopped the 4 - wonders will never cease.

* They've just shown the replay from a different angle and maybe Punter was a bit unlucky. Hit him in front of off with Bhaji bowling from wide of the crease. Suggestions of the ball missing leg. But that's the way the cookie crumbles - and the pitch it seems. Perhaps we should threaten to go home and end RUUUUUDI's career

* And Mick Bingle comes in for a testing period before stumps - new bal due soon and Bhaji is bowling OK.

* Wicket - And it just comes back on in time to see Harbhajan get Punter LBW for 123. Trying to sweep, the ball pitched outside off, turned in, snuck under the bat and hit him probably in front of middle, going on to take middle and leg.

*And in tragic scenes, the footage has disappeared

* And in true Viru fashion, he's just pushed one past the outside edge of the Brazen bat with plenty of turn.

* 2/222 - the Ritchie wet dream. Big ups to billy birmingham. and to prove that the cricket commentators have a direct line to kumble...on comes Sehwag. He needs a wicket or two to make up for firing up Punter. He looks very spiritual with that shaved head. I suspect Punter will want to hit him to Chennai.

* bangladesh look like winning by 8 wickets. This is a good day for cricket (particularly because the Bangles' batting AND bowling went well). Go you little Banglis!

* We're all debating hawkeye here at Eastlake. The consensus is that it is poor at predicting the flight of the ball, which is subject to many more variables than tennis.

BTW Punter also has an old helmet. "A nod to the vintage years" opines our colleague, Dockerman 1977.

* 2-216, LBW appeal. not out, but close. and Kumble (remember him, the guy who complained about over appealing) goes coco-bananas. Rudi gives him the teapot look. Naughty!

* 2/215 - 49 run partnership. surprisingly brazen has 26 of them. And now we play the game where commentators start to suggest randoms to bowl. sehwag?

* Dropped - in close on the on-side off Kumble...who then jumps around...jumps around...he jumps up, he jumps down!

bloated balls

2008-10-09T03:07:00.000-07:00

We would like to remind people of the tassie quota in the context of krezjy eyes being looked over.

Oh, and this as well (in the context of the bangles smashing NZ).

Humbly yours.

The Final Session

2008-10-09T02:00:00.000-07:00

* Huss glances beautifully for 4 of harbhi. He really isn't bowling well. Huss has snuck along to be around 27. Mix master d has just predicted White will get 17 wickets for the tour. MC Gregor thinks he'll get 17 runs. And that's drinks - here's the casanova of the retirement homes!

* 2/207, Controversial! Punter puts on back down the pitch to Kumble, who is the only one to appeal for the c&b. batsmen and umpires treat it with disdain...except replays suggest it was out. Karma is repaying India for Haytre's dismissal.

* 2/200 - And in the main course, Australia has just bought up 200 with a beautiful Brazen nudge to third man. Don't think the old school helmet has nothing to do with this.

* 2/131 - Bangladesh is getting close to causing a boilover.

* The crowd is getting a little bored - they're getting a Mexican Wave going. I look forward to them chanting "Punter's a wanker" closely followed by "Hey Sachin, give us a wave". If they come out with "Indi, Indi, Indi - Oi, Oi, Oi" I will personally go over there and shove each of their heads up their collective arses

* They've just put up the scorecard and Cam White is named at number 8. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that he will be the greatest batsmen in the history of everything to ever bat at number 8 for Australia. Ever. (MC Gregor strongly disagrees)

* Mark Nicholas is a genius. He's just said that India will be in a better position if they take 3, 4 or 5 wickets before the end of the day. Where's that Cricket 101 book

* Oh yeah - Kumble. He's the current captain. Hell, the other team members must be just waiting their turn to be captain.

* MC Gregor makes a good point - the Indian team has the most captains in it ever, surely. Dravid, Ganguly, Tendulkar, Dhoni and maybe Sehwag have captained. Now, this would be OK if they were sicceeding each other - they're not, they're all in the same side. The fielders are so confused as to who to listen to.

* Rahul Dravid has just had his batting stats put up on screen. He has reached 50 a very impressive 77 times. Alas, he's only converted 25 of these into centuries. This is not the sign of a captain that inspires his team

* 2-184 Ponting averages 63.5 as captain. HFS!

* Every now and then a massive bird flies in front of the camera. Quite offputting.

* 2-183, Dhoni fumbles one and hurts his hand. Lucky he can bat.

* The Bangles 2/97 from 27 overs chasing NZ's 201. Siddique edging towards 50.

* dropped - Dhoni puts down a little brzaen edge from kumble. MC Gregor looks smug. Mix Master D sighs wistfully.

* 2-176, Punter has brought up his ton at around 50 runs/100 balls. Interestingly, he's scored 36 at around run-a-ball from Harbhi.

*2-175 (Ponting 102, Brazen 1) - that ton meant a lot to him. he's angry happy - Sehwag will be trying to hide behind his chubby cheeks. Tragically, the rest of his chubby body won't get let him.

* And with a gentle push through the off side, making fat boy Sachin run all the way to th boundary as the ball pulled up centimetres short, Punter has made his first century in India 36th overall (with 40 50s)!

* The trivia has just had a musical question. Who sang "Rhinestone Cowboy". The Balls initially chuckled at Kevin Bloody Wilson's version - "A well hung ploughboy" - before quibbling over whether Greg Campbell could've had a successful singing career after his all too brief career as an Australian cricketer.

* As the players come back out on to the ground, it should be noted that an eagle eyed supporter of The Balls, The Knife Wielding Taswegian, has noted that Brazen has come out wearing an old school helmet. We are yet to determine the reasoning behind this, but can do nothing but respect it greatly.

The ICCFL

2008-10-09T01:53:00.000-07:00

For all those fans of The Balls that are fans of either AFL or cricket and want to get a gauge on what the equivalent team is in the opposing sport - The Balls present the following comparisons to help you choose a side to follow that best reflects your cricket/football leanings:

India & Collingwood - both have all the money and the largest fan base, but neither of them can quite make it to glory!

Pakistan & Fremantle - exciting and everyone deep down loves watching them play. They could be glorious, they could crash and burn.   But you are guaranteed of entertainment. Plus both have   been forced to wear one of the worst outfits in the history of their   respective sorts (Pakistan's 1999 World Cup outfit and Freo's foundation jumper).

West Indies & Hawthorn - ridiculously dominant in the 80s and strong   in the late 70s and early 90s, but terrible since.   However, both are   starting to hit their straps and have promising futures after great   years!   (Mix Master D is currently running around the room with no pants screaming out BUDDY LOVE at the top of his voice - in case you haven't figured out by now, he's a Hawthorn fan)

Bangladesh & Melbourne -   you want them to do well, but you just can't see it happening.   Their success is good for the game, but tragically, they are shite.

South Africa & Port Adelaide - both sides were initially banned from the competition. Both sides are widely   despised.   Both sides feature crowds which make their own players cringe.    And both sides are hated by the Balls. You know it makes   sense.

England & Western Bulldogs - both sides are heavy on players   not from their own borders.   Plus apart from the odd year here and there, but haven't done anything of note since the 1960s.   Plus they feature abysmal hair and characters whom people love but were recently jettisoned (think Hoggard and Chris Grant).

Australia & Carlton - very successful   but run by corporate jokers with shady backgrounds. The players are   traditionally hard to love, but the new generations seems ready to be   irrepressible (possibly after a few hairy years).

New Zealand & St Kilda - two words:   Constant, regular heartbreak. I know it's three, but   that's how much they hurt you.

Kenya & Subiaco - people   love watching them play, but secretly know they're not good enough for the big   league.

Zimbabwe & Fitzroy - were there for a while and feature many of the game's greats. But they fell apart and were terrible on the field.   Are now gone...possibly never to   return.

Canada/US & University -   both were there at the start...but alas, no more.

And with apologies to our good friend Damith, we present a late installment:

Sri Lanka & Sydney Swans - Both struggled in their early years before being one of the more exciting teams going around (Kaluwitherana and Capper have a lot in common). They both had blokes you love to hate (Ranatunga and, once again, Capper) and have tasted success and in recent years, including the pinnacle at one stage (World Cup and Grand FInal)

The First Test - Bella (the mole) has started

2008-10-09T01:34:00.001-07:00

* And it's tea in Bangalore. Australia is 2/166 with Punter on 94* and Brazen yet to get off the mark. As an aside, Franz Ferdinand don't really work with a slow motion montage of Asad Raouf making decisions

* Speaking of Bangladesh v NZ, let's take a look at the progress. After struggling to 6/79 thanks to 3 wickets from Mashrafe Mortaza, Jacob Oram and the best finger spinner in world cricket put on 70 runs in 20 overs to help guide the Black Caps to 9/201. The Balls own Jessie Ryder contributing a glorious 34 off 35 at the top of the order. In reply, the Bangladeshi's have made steady progress to be 1/67 after 19 overs. MC Gregor is torn between the love for his country of birth and his wish for Bangladesh to be successful at international level. Mix Master D merely wants Bangladesh to win to see MC Greogr shed a tear

* The curator is sitting on the boundary looking sheepish. This is either due to the state of the pitch, or the state of NZ cricket in their latest blockbuster against Bangladesh

* Ishant Sharma continues to look at his image on the scoreboard after every delivery as he tries to figure out exactly what Gabriella Sabatini is doing at Bangalore

* 2-166 as the man with the worst nickname ever (Mr Cricket, please) has joined the captain. With Punter only 6 runs from the ton, look for Brazen to turn over the strike initially before settling in to his innings.

*Thankfully, The Balls have moved to an area where we still get the commentary rather than the trivia. Life is good.

Live Test Blogging - the second installation

2008-10-09T00:39:00.001-07:00

* WICKET And Flea has just edged Ishant Sharma to MS Dhoni to end a very good innings. Just moved it off the seam slightly and the Flea didn't quite get across far enough. Edge taken by Dhoni who MC Gregor referred to as a rubbish keeper. I (Mix Master D) refer to him as dreamy.

* It should be noted that The Balls don't just refer to Allan Border as AB in an Aussie "let's give everyone a nickname" type of way. We've been intimate with the great man. Well, Mix Master D has. MC Gregor merely took the piss out of him in front of 100 people as MC at a wedding. Over and over and over again. AB sat quietly at his table and mumbled something to his wife about captaining Australia and little shits. We couldn't make out the rest

* A friend of The Balls, The Collector, has just reminded us that should Punter salute here that would take his number of centuries scored to 36 - level with Gavaskar. And in 5 innings less no less. The Collector knows all the stats

* Punter has moved into the 90's. Some call them the nervous nineties. Those people watched Steve Waugh bat too much. MC Gregor's comment about not pissing Punter off is seeming to ring true

* Actually, the commentators have agreed that it is an advantage for the team batting first to post a large total - I'm going to go back and read Cricket 101 to try and get my head around this

* there's Roy!!! sure it's as car ad, but he's still part of the game. AB has just suggested that it's an advantage to bat first in India. Shocking revelation. More to come!

* 1-153 (Ponting 82, Flea 59) - pitch is holding up. Watinjury's slower ball may come into its own.

* 1-152 BTW - I imagine everyone is well aware that the Tassie Quota has not been breached. Iron...clad...rule!

* as if to prove a point, Punter smashes a four right at the fosters oversized can. this tassie lad is betraying Boags.

* 1-145 as Punter plays one of the most intelligent shots we've seen today. A seeming inside edge that flew past the stumps and down ot the boundary for 4. Upon closer inspection, the ball clattered into a Fosters Lager sign on the boundary - Punter merely making sure his personal sponsors get greater exposure. Genius Ricky. Genius.

* The pitch is already showing variable bounce. note to ICC - don't use NZ curators in India. don't even use them in NZ.

* OK, I take it back. it isn't some mole. It's Bella...the mole. And it seems as though we've finally managed to get sound for the cricket - just as Bella...the mole...has launched into a tirade of abuse on a poor defenceless microphone.

* Is it a triple blow if we didn't win the meat tray in the re-draw? Or is it a nightmarish re-occurence of the double blow. Either way - some random minger won.

* In a double blow for the Balls, the meat raffle has escaped our carnivorous clutches! oooh, redraw! This hasn't happened since the great meat raffle at the Bunbury Bowls Club on that lazy summer's day in 1985!

*1-129 Blowout by a length. point me home is dead last and considering a change in career...perhaps glue would best suit.

* 1-127. The Balls have had to relocate themselves due to some mole setting up for a trivia night. We now have the cricket accompanied by the call of the 6th at Northam (Come on Point Me Home, LIIIFT). When will this country stop with it's annoying thirst for knowledge?!

* And now he has just nudged one past both short cover fieldsmen for a single. GENIUS field placement. Give us a third, Anil

* And in an intriguing piece of field placement, Bhaji is bowling to 2 short covers. Flea didn't really mind as he just quilted a cover drive straight past both of them to the boundary to pick up his 50

* And whilst the lads are having a watered down lemon cordial let's take a moment to talk about Simon "Flea" Katich. Apart form one delivery he's looked completely in control. He's the perfect foil for the likes of Hayden, Ponting, Clarke, Hussey, Wattooooooo and the Saviour Of The World as he nudges and nurdles as only Chris Harris before him has done. He's currently on about 40 and just looks like accumulating runs and frustrating the Indian bowlers. I've just been informed he's on 49 - I like maths

* As Foxtel take us away from the pain of listening to Mark Nicholas to some random studio in Sydney, The Balls can't help but think that Mark Waugh is still shagging a 60 year old. And the bloke sitting next to him is wary of Mark mistaking him for said 60 year old

* 1-114 as a massive Fosters can with an akubra is being used to bring out the drinks. It can only be assumed that it does not, in fact, contain beer.

AFL Trade Week goes mental on Day 4

2008-10-09T00:33:00.000-07:00

Hold the phones. Lock Up You Daughters. Tell Mum you're going to be home late. There's been a trade.

That's right, after 3 and a half days of speed dating type nervous introductions and offering of small talk, Richmond have finally broken through and been the first to get a number. I mean, make a trade,

Terry Wallace, in his never ending quest to prove that he actually can coach a team, has traded away pick 42 for the gun, the great man, the one and only Adam Thomson from Port Adelaide.

Now, there may or may not be any truth to the rumour that the club took away Richmond's first 2 draft picks from Tanned Terry for fear of him swapping them for 3 magic beans, Zac Dawson and a jar of Shane Crawford's sweat.

Either way - this is yet another moment in Tanned Terry's career of let's pick up another midfielder and try and win a game of football by running under the legs of the opponents.

We're here

2008-10-09T00:11:00.001-07:00

* And now Flea has gotten in on the act using his feet to dispatch Kumble (who is bowling a mix of rubbish and tripe at the moment) to the boundary. Sorry - the commentators are saying Kumble's "not been as steady as in previous tours". I prefer my description

* 1-104 - punter has decided to start dancing. smashes harbhi to the mid-wicket boundary. and now he has tried to kill silly mid-off from a kumble long hop. mix master d had a giggle at that one.

* Matthew Hayden is sitting in the change rooms cursing that he's not at Eastlakes football club as the old fella comes around with the meat tray raffle tickets. I'll have 2 thanks

* Interestingly, there seems to be a fair bit of turn on Day 1. Especially when our Kiwi friend was telling us he'd prepared a seamer. Cam White to threaten Jim Laker's record (i, mc gregor, do not endorse this comment).

* Harbhajan has just been bought on, obviously to try to cash in on his dominance over Punter. Although screaming out "CATCH" as Punter gently dropped the first delivery to his feet is a touch ambitious

* 1-97 - We haven't seen mongia around for a while...we think Tendulkar may have eaten him.

* oh no. Cover the bells. dress in black. Bingle and Pup have split. i realise this may be controversial, but after lee and pup's breakup, I think it needs to be said. Women are the root of all evil.

* 1-94 Just to go back a little. Punter has played two great shots in the last few overs. one a strong glance that showed sublime footwork. Then his cover drive (with a square bat) to bring up his 50 was magnificent.

* And we've just seen Katich get a life and the Indian-Australian next to us go mental. Hit in front by Kumble - Asad Raouf says no, MC Gregor said no, Mix Master D said yes. Replays show that I (Mix Master D) knows all

We're here

2008-10-09T00:11:00.000-07:00

And we've just seen Katich get a life and the Indian-Australian next to us go mental.

Hit in front by Kumble - Asad Raouf says no, MC Gregor said no, Mix Master D said yes. Replays show that I (Mix Master D) knows all

We're going to the pub

2008-10-08T22:34:00.000-07:00

Because Australian radio is determined to make us miss out on any sort of live description of the First test match between India and Australia, The Balls are going to the pub.

Whilst tucking into a tasty chicken parma and a cheeky lager, The Balls will be watching the game and providing some live comments on what is happening and how good Watto and Cam White are looking in the dressing room.

Australian selectors see sense - White and Watson in the Test side

2008-10-08T20:48:00.000-07:00

My 2 favourite payers, Cameron White and Shane Watson, are playing in the Australian Test side.

Excuse me while I go have a private moment with myself

Domestic bliss

2008-10-08T02:33:00.001-07:00

Cricket is back baby!

WA is taking on the silvertails of NSW, and the world is aligned. Currently, WA is even doing their good old trick, where their ordinary bowling attacks performs brilliantly, while their superb batting plummets.

Right at this moment, WA has NSW firmly by the short-hairs, needing only 80 odd runs with 4 big, big wickets in hand. Such is the genius of sandgroper cricket.

HEAD TO HEAD - Jason Krejza v Cameron White

2008-10-07T15:43:00.000-07:00

Well, after The Balls persuaded the selectors to do away with McGain it is only fair that we compare Krezjy Eyes with the new next in line - Cameron "The Greatest Man In The History Of Everything" White.

MC Gregor - Ok, this is the debate that neither of The Balls wanted...yet here we are. Let me begin. My left nut has more spinning talent than Cameron White will ever have. He looks like a fat Paul Collingwood, and his very presence in the team is an insult to every Australian citizen - current, present and future.

Mix Master D - And yet he offers more than your man Krejzy eyes. He has international experience, has been captain of a successful domestic side for about 15 years and most importantly, provides Australia with a genuine first slipper.

MC Gregor - His international experience makes me wince. He won't be captaining this side and I suspect Matt the Bat the Run Machine will probably have a few quiet words to you about his position in the slips.Krezy offers...well...umm...to be honest, not much more. So why the hell didn't they go with Beau...or Aaron...or Jrod?

Mix Master D - Matt the Bat the Run Machine can take his two hats and head to gully thanks very much. Look, when you're playing in the sub-continent you'd surely go with a bowler that has similarities to Anil Kumble. I mean we've gone there with the greatest bowler of all time and he struggled (both with the local cuisine and the pitches) so surely there needs to be a change of tactic here. Cam White's bouncy top spinners combined with subtle turn make him the complete opposite of SK Warne. And to use your argument from the Krejzy Eyes v Nice Bryce argument - Cam can bat. And judging by the recent tour match it looks like we'll need to bat as low as possible to post a 300 plus score.

MC Gregor - Huss would take point with being moved from Gully. Good point on the top spinners...except that White can't even do them. He can bat...but if we're picking an ordinary bowler who can bat a bit, why not go with Watto at 7 and put in another batsman. I am in a web of despair. Day is night. To live is to to die. I embrace the end.

Mix Master D – The fact that you're not even mentioning your boys name in your argument suggests that even you - Australia's number 1 Krejzy Eyes fan - is wavering after his dismal effort in the tour match. And Huss can take Symmo's position in the field as funster and Mick Bingle's joking partner. Cam White is the best spin bowler in the Australian squad and provides something which no other Australian spin bowler provides - bounce and subtle (very, very subtle) variation. This is exactly what is needed on dusty turning pitches and the Australian selectors will be rewarded greatly if they pick Cam.

MC Gregor - I believe Krezjy Eyes is his own best fan. The debate is moot. I believe the sight of White in a Baggy Green is a sign that Armageddon is upon us.

Mix Master D - Cameron White would play a good AJ Frost

Let's take a moment

2008-10-06T05:11:00.000-07:00

Perusing the list of State squads this evening I was reminded of a harsh reality.

Mad Mick Lewis is no longer going to be running around for Victoria.

Much like Stewart Dew gives hope to overweight 28 year olds still searching for an AFL career, Mad Mick gave hope to hundreds of bogans playing pub grade mats and hoping for a scout to spot them and thrust them into the Victorian squad.

Blinky - you'll be missed.

Cameron White - The Saviour Of The World

2008-10-05T18:11:00.000-07:00

The Australian selectors have come to their senses. Bryce has been sent home for a bex and a good lie down and been replaced with the greatest leg spinning all rounder that Australia has ever produced. Cameron White has put his successful modelling career on hold and responded to an SOS from the Australian selectors to head over to India.

Cameron had to finish off some volunteer work at an orphanage in Cambodia before boarding a flight over. And upon his arrival, he watched Jason Rubbish pick up 0/190-odd off 31 overs in a tour match whilst turning some ice water into a gin and tonic with a twist of lime.

Cameron White must be firming for a First Test spot with Shane Watson always a chance to injure himself whilst going for his morning walk and Jason Rubbish living up to his name.

Come on selectors - Cameron White once saved 17 orphans from a burning building. He can now save the Australian cricket team.

Bubble Boy

2008-10-01T22:24:00.000-07:00

Surprising no-one in either the sporting or medical worlds, Shane Watson has been withdrawn from Boards XI tour game with a medical ailment.

Initial signs suggest it could be either shingles or gout, but the Balls suspect he may have actually developed a severe allergic reaction to representing his country.

We look forward to his recovering, prior to breaking down with a combination of Equine Influenza and dandruff prior to the second test.

P.S. In Jrod and Damith's honour, we are declaring today a day of mourning for Bryce, and are offering a $10,000 reward for anyone who can bring his shoulder to justice.

Please note, this reward will in no way be paid.

The selectors agree with MC Gregor

2008-10-01T03:33:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems as though MC Gregor's power of persuasion is greater than mine.

Cricket Australia has released a statement that Bryce McGain has "injured" himself and will be unavailable for the tour. We all know the score - they were afraid that at his age he'd die in the heat.

Dean Jones almost did you know. He scored 216. Almost died. True story - surprised you haven't heard it. From Dean.

HEAD TO HEAD - Krejza v McGain

2008-09-30T21:49:00.000-07:00

MC Gregor- I'm a fan of Krezjy Eyes. He's young, he's developed nicely, and he won't be a liability with the bat.

Mix Master D - But you're forgetting the one important thing - he's not a Test standard spin bowler. hell, I'd even suggest he's not a Shield standard spin bowler

MC - He's been a good performer at the SCG, and has done well on barren Bellerive. But most importantly, he is aggressive. I like that. Oh, and his old man was a mad good goalkeeper

D - You want a good performer? look no further than old man McGain. Bryce has been clearly the most successful slow bowler in Australian domestic cricket in recent times

MC - He's 36, his time is limited. I agree he's dependable (with excellent control), but he's not a turner. So why pick him for India, they love having the ball turn start on their legs. It plays into their strengths. Even mediocre bowlers like Robertson and Miller has done well because they wer e largely able to avoid the legs. Oh, and Krezjy Eyes can bat!

D - Let's not turn this into an argument about 'all rounders' shall we. Otherwise let's just play Andrew "Gone fishin" Symonds and Michael Bingle as the spininng all rounders. They've got better records than your man JK with the ball.

McGain's control is unbelievable. And if we go back the last 12 months, Bryce has taken 70 wickets in first class cricket compared to your boys 23. The sheer number of deliveries bowled by McGain means that you know that you can trust him in a long hot Indian summer's day - JK just doesn't have the stamina nor the experience to keep on top

MC - I'll summarise. Krezjy turns it. India is kind to offies (Miller, Mallet, Robertson). He is young (and energetic). He won't be a liability with the bat. Plus he could be the future of Australian spinning. McGain is consistent (but so was Warne...didn't help him in India). He's old and not going to hold up Australia's attack. He isn't attacking and spins it the wrong way for India. Look I like him and I'd pick him if we were going to Seth Efrika, but the 07-08 Shield final (this blog shall never call it the Milk Cup) showed that he struggles to take wickets against a commited batting outfit.

D - But you're forgetting one thing. What sort of cricketer gets picked to play in the toughest conditions for a spin bowler coming off a season of 18 wickets at 47.11? We may as well let Simon Katich open the batting and be our spinner.

Sure, an average of 34 isn't earth shattering, but McGain's 38 wickets in the 2007/08 Shield season speaks volumes for his ability to play in all conditions. Australia is crying out for an experienced head that can spin the ball and consistently put the ball in good areas. This is Bryce McGain. It's not some bloke that wasn't good enough to get a game ahead of MacGill, Casson and Hauritz so had a cry and moved down to Tassie.

And if you're going to trumpet about going for the future, then Mike Hussey should never have debuted - too old.

MC - Don't you dare bring Huss into this (plus he was only around 30 when he debuted)! I like McGain. He's the fairytale. And his figures are better in Australia. So what? Laxman doesn't bat three for NSW and Tendulkar isn't propping up South Australia. He is old and unfortunatley disadvantaged by being a leggie. Hell, even Greg Matthew's turned matches there! This does not bode well for him in India.

D - As you say - Laxman doesn't bat three for NSW and Tendulkar isn't propping up South Australia. So how can you expect a young bloke with bugger all wickets behind him to outperform an experienced head that was the leading spinner in the Shield last season and the equal leading wicket taker in the Ford Ranger Cup? It just doesn't add up

MC - we'll have to agree to disagree.

Balls Match Report

2008-09-30T21:45:00.000-07:00

Last night the Balls dusted off the trackies, styled the mullets and donned the Megadeth t-shirts - it was time to play indoor cricket.

Indoor cricket is how the Balls met. It is also how the Balls interacts with a broad range of run-away dads, drug dealers, depressive alcoholics and public servants. It's a social game.

So it was with a whimsical tear in our dreamy eyes that we walked onto Court 3 (the refreshing Coca-Cola court) at Weston Creek indoor sports scene. When we walked off an hour and a half later, the world had changed. We took catches, we made stumpings, we captured wickets and together, The Balls fleeced their opponents for 60 stunning runs in a dazzling partnership which almost awoke one old-time indoor cricket from his alcohol-induced, urine-soaked coma.

Our opponents were mighty*, but they were smitened (I guarantee you that's a word...now). Our victory was complete and glorious#. The Balls had arrived. And yet, we remained humble.

* Our opponents were not mighty. They were rubbish.
# We're not sure who won, we had to leave early to catch the Simpsons.

It's coming

2008-09-30T02:45:00.000-07:00

You can smell it.

You can feel it even.

You can certainly read about it.

After months of absence and little teasers - cricket is coming back.

The Australia v Bangladesh series was an appetiser. Actually, it was more of the mid arvo snack you have before going ot the dinner party.

The main course - India v Australia - is just 9 days away and The Balls cannot wait.

Can Sachin pull out one final piece of magic, can the Australians adapt to playing together fast enough with the inclusion of up to 4 new faces. Can Harbhajan keep his mouth shut.

It's going to be great and the Balls are a little excited.

So, in preparation for the big series, The Balls are going to kick off with the first in a series "Head To Head". First up - "Bryce McGain v Jason Krejza: The First Test Spinner"

Stay tuned

Ads with stupid jingles

2008-09-30T02:36:00.000-07:00

Now, The Balls reside in Canberra, which really is just a bigger version of ALbury. IE, a small country town.

And what does that mean? It means that local businesses like to attract your attention with the worst possible ads possible, combined with the most irritating jingles ever.

I mean - The Home Loan Centre merely went to the Zoo and took some footgae of the first 1- animals they came across and put a crappy jingle over the top to make it look like the animals were singin. I mean, they didn't even get past the giraffes - there's so many more animals that could've starred in this aboniation of an advertisemnt.

And then there's Sears Workwear. Now, everybody loves listening to Pat Sears from Sears Work wear ask "How do you know? You don't, until you see me, Pat Sears at Sears Workwear". We don't want to hear a crap jingle to the tune of Click Go The Shears.

And now - even the big companies are getting into it. Coles has just had an ad on with their shit jingle.

Please - we are not going to buy your goods if you have a shitty jingle.

Stop it.

How the other half live - an alternate way of viewing of the Grand Final

2008-09-29T23:39:00.000-07:00

Now that the excitement of the big game has died down, the Balls thought it would be an ideal opporunity to jot down a few points of interest. This is written from the perspective of MC Gregor who scored a massive ticket to the corporate area.

The following is based on observations and the occasional chats with fellow members of the football elite.

1. Rich people ARE happier. And they have every right to be so. They live in a magical, wonderful world.

2. Adam Cooney is a grumpy bastard. He should regrow his Waffro.

3. Robert Harvey is shorter than you'd think, and his hair isn't as crap.

4. Johny Platten is losing his magnificent hair. This is a tragedy which cannot be underestimated.

5. Geelong fans really are the best losers. They were gracious, their pain was inspiring and I hope Collingwood fans learn to follow this lead (except for Jrod - stay angry dear friend, stay angry)

6. Kevin Bartlett is a balding pygmy.

7. Andrew Demtroiou (sic) and Wayne Jackson are fat. I don't mean Stewie Dew fat, I mean FAT.

8. If you yell "Go cats" at Jeff Kennett, he turns around and looks at you like you're a Victorian state school.

9. Leigh Matthews is really nice but scary.

10. Wearing a tie to the football sucks.

On a side note - a lady from WA appeared on the big screen and talked about how the Hawks are better than the Eagles and Dockers in every way. Maam, please rest assured that I have contacted the appropriate authorities, and you WA citizenship has been revoked.

Geelong is like a broken heart

2008-09-29T23:36:00.000-07:00

This goes out to the fans of Geelong and represents the views of MC Gregor (Mix Master D is still attempting to locate his pants after a long weekend of celebrating in and around Richmond).

Your team was dominant and yet you lost. This pain is not particularly new, and you wear such sadness like an Arts student wears a cardigan - proudly, if a little self-consciously.

Half of the Balls were fortunately enough to spend grand final weekend with a family of Geelong supporters (although the family matriach is a Melbourne fan...to her eternal credit). Prior to the game this family lined up for hours for their MCC tickets. They never complained, and genuinely seemed to enjoy the camraderie offered to the father and his three sons. They slept in a gutter - all for the hope of watching their team win.

It did not.

It was possibly the better side (certainly better over the year). But it lost.

And it's fans were outnumbered and subjected to the joys of the winning side.

Yet, upon returning from the surreal VIP afterparty (the Hawks fans were all watching replays, the Geelong fans shuffling sadly in front of Pete Murray), I returned to a stoic familial group.

They were hurt. They were sad. They were angry. But they did not give in to vitriol - not at their own players, nor the opposition, nor the world in general. They were Zen. And it broke the Balls' heart. The Balls remembered its own moody, resentful reaction to the 2005 GF loss. The Balls was humbled and in awe. This family knows who they are. I salute them. I also salute the other Geelong fans the Balls knows. They are all similarly stoic and generous.

Do I want to be like them? Yes. But I hope I don't have to be.

Karma leaves Cat Red faced

2008-09-29T23:34:00.000-07:00

Now, we all know that Robert Harvey and Matty Scarlett had an altercation after the final siren of the Geelong v St Kilda final a few weeks back.

The reason for this altercation has been a piont of conjecture. The Balls know the score though. After the loss, Harvey shook Scarlett's hand and said 'see you in the grand final'. Scarlett responded 'I wouldn't have thought so'.

Disrespecting a legend of the game has its karmic results, Matthew.

Brown and Gold take the silverware

2008-09-27T01:30:00.000-07:00

Absolutely amazing game.

After viewing one of the toughest and hardest first half of the season, The Balls watched the mighty Hawks streak away in the last half of the thrid quarter to set up an unassailable lead and take the 2008 premiership by 26 points.

Yes, that's right - 26 points. Exactly the margin the Mix Master D picked before the game.

Luke Hodge won the Norm Smith medal for best on ground as he repelled every Geelong attack.

Brent Guerra was immense down back, winning three 3-on-1 contest towards the end of the second quarter to keep the lead for the Hawks.

Robbie Campbell was absolutely awesome in the ruck - dominating in the first half to give Hawthorn first use of the ball.

The much talked about Hawthorn backline - often said to be 1 tall player short - was working a treat. And when Trent Croad went off with broken foot the Hawks were left with no geniune key defenders.

It mattered not as big ROUGH moved down back momentarily before Coach Clarko manufactured the match ups that he wanted with Gilham and Brown taking the tall Geelong forwards and working beautfiully.

Geelong made it hard for the Hawks to get out of defence when they went man on man from half way through the second quarter, but the calm Hawthorn generals - Hodge and Guerra - took their time working through the defence and setting up many a foreard thrust.

Geeliong's kicking at goal was below par, but The Balls care not for that.

The thrid quarter was an arm wrestle for the firstb12 minutes until the BIG BAD STEW DEW showed why Al Clarkson drafted him. 2 goals and a telling tackle and the awks were on their way to Premiershpi number 10.

The last quarter was, once again, an arm wreslte until the Hawks stretched their lead late in the game with goals to Rock Ladson and ROUGH.

100,012 fans gathered to watch the greatest moment of my life - Craig Willis saying the immortal words - "NUMBER 9...SHANE CRAWFORD!!!!"

The Balls have no voice - but thankfully still have pants

The Day Hath Ariiveth

2008-09-26T18:38:00.000-07:00

Well, Grand Final Day 2008 was greeted by a beautiful Melbourne spring morning ewith the promise of temperatures reaching 28 degrees. Could not ask for better day to watch the game.

The Balls made their way to the haunt of communist lesbians, Red Lemon, on Swan St for a delicious breakfast to settle the nerves. Corn fritters were delicious, no magnificent. Eggs hollandaise were tremendous. Chorizzo on the side - the right kind of spicy.

A quick visit to one of our fans houses in Richmond to receive adulation, respect and a hand trolley before making the trek to The G.

There's a gentle buzz around at the moment as people wander into the ground. Even a few blokes on a motor scooter were discussing the game as they drove along at 40 k, hugging each other like cowboys on a cold, cold winters night.

First quick observation - Hawthorn fans are dressed in a much more artistic manner. Ginger fans seem to be split evenyl across the teams. And there's many, many more Hawthorn fans.

Early tip from Mix Master D, The Balls resident Hawk fan - Hawthorn by 26 points, Brad Sewell the Norm Smith Medal and Shane Crawford to kick the final goal of the day. And of course, Mix Master D to not be wearing pants as Crawford celebrates.

MC Gregor says - Daniel Rich, Draft Pick number 2, West Coast Eagles.

Balls out

Actually - there's a Nandos' mascot hautning small children. Is it just a bit weird that a place that serves dead chicken has a chicken as their mascot? Or is that just me.

Nervous Balls

2008-09-26T02:47:00.000-07:00

The Balls are going to the AFL Grand Final. We are excited. One of us if very nervous. Here are some other words to describe us.

Toey. Hyper. Lucky. Smug. Anxious. Lustful. Constipated (part of the nerves we assume).

And remember, the Balls will be offering a LIVE blogcast of the whole day (including our breakfast on Swan St...great mushrooms).

Balls!

Australia v India - The Balls do cricket

2008-09-26T02:46:00.000-07:00

Australia has arrived, and already things are going weird. The Turbanator has come out and said he won't misbehave.

The Balls will say this right now. If the Turbanator does not misbehave, walls will run with blood. Dog will move in with cats. And Ghostbusters II will be remembered as superior to Ghostbusters I.

Why? Because Bajji can't help himself. He's like a pyromaniac in a match factory. He'll respond to some jibe, or do some over the top celebratory dance. Why...because he's entertaining. A tool? Sure. But entertaining.

Andrew Demetriou confirms what we all knew - struggles to count to 3

2008-09-22T03:56:00.001-07:00

The AFL have just screwed up the Brownlow counting! They are reading round 3 games early, the website is allocating votes in games to players who aren't playing, and Steve Quartmaine was allowed in the building.

Anarchy.

Brent Harvey has done very well for himself though!

The Balls are going to the GF

2008-09-22T03:47:00.001-07:00

OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD

The Balls are going to the AFL Grand Final.

One of us will be undertaking a spiritual journey to one of the most important games of their lives.

The other is on a junket.

We plan to blog LIVE from the MCG from 11am on Saturday starting with the MASSIVE clash between WA U/16's and Vic Metro U/16's. The members of The Balls may not talk to each other during this clash of their home states.

If we can work out technology, we may even post some videos LIVE from the G. This is highly unlikely though as technology and us go together like Brendan and Alex Fevola.

The Balls Brownlow Predictions

2008-09-22T03:33:00.000-07:00

As avid follower of all teams in the AFL except Port Adelaide (well, we watch Freo for amusement more than footballing brilliance), The Balls is pleased to provide its famous 10 word synopsis of the 2008 Brownlow Medal chances.

Gary Ablett Jnr - Good season, missed 4 weeks - possible
Jimmy Bartel - Still can't recognise him in a crowd, umpires won't either
Brent Harvey - Short, annoying, loves a goal - favourite
Adam Cooney - ugly in look and style - hope not
Chris Judd - burn in hell traitor - will go close
Simon Black - umpires don't know any other Lions - there's a reason
Matthew Pavlich - he'll be close...but just miss out...again
Matthew Richardson - Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please - probably not
Sam Mitchell - he's suspended you idiots
Heath Shaw - no chance, but his slimey mate can play
Dean Cox - Mentioned merely to appease MC Gregor - silky smooth skills
Nick Riewoldt - Cry me a river princess - world will collapse if wins
Jonathan Brown - told us to put him in and he's big. Go Browny
Jobe Watson - If he wins, he'll probably just give the medal to his opponents
Joel Corey - Umpires think he's Jimmy Bartel - roughy
Joel Selwood - Umpires think he's Joel Corey - roughy
Corey Enright - Umpires think he's Corey Enright - no chance
Max Hudghton - cheat. No chance, I just like calling him a cheat.

Massive Trucks and not so massive weathermen

2008-09-22T03:24:00.000-07:00

Just when the Balls’ love of monster trucks seemed to have plateaud…along came news that in a monster truck crash, Grant Denyer (that annoying little dwarf from Sunrise) had suffered a back injury and…wait for it…actually lost an inch in height. Life can really have its good moments.

Stop...Chucka time

2008-09-22T03:18:00.000-07:00

Big ups to the MCG web-design team. The Balls happened to be looking through the website today and we came across the MCG main events page. Now as the crucible of Australian sport you would have thought they would have ample great moments to use as their main photo. Warne’s hatrick? Angry and the Batmobile? What about Mark Williams giving himself a golden shower in front of millions of people? Perhaps Matthew Elliot forgetting how to run from wicket to wicket? Yet, this was their choice.

Now, it's kinda cool that they found the only shot of Murali reprising the Hammer Dance, but really...

C-Ball

2008-09-22T03:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, so we got spanked by some little Chilean clay-courters who need to shave between games. But let’s be honest…we were all a little surprised that Australia even won a rubber. But they did - and in oppressive conditions. Sure, the Gooch is a ranga who could do with a meal…but he showed some grit. But the Balls heart lie with Carsten Ball! He is like a conglomerate of Australian tennis stars. He has Laver’s left hand, the Poo’s build, Rafter’s sickeningly pleasant demeanour, the Woodies volleying (but not their affection for the ball boys), and Jason Stoltenburg’s ski-slope nose.

And he can play. Pivotal in a doubles win and comfortably winning his singles. The C-Ball has won our hearts. And with Australian tennis being so shite, he’ll have ample opportunity to improve his win-loss ratio against the tennis powers that are Samoa, Kyrgyzstan and Burkino Faso. C-Ball, we salute you.

The Tassie Quota

2008-09-22T02:45:00.000-07:00

The Balls would now like to introduce its viewers to a firm rule for Australian cricket selectors. The rule is simple. There can only ever be one Tasmanian in an Australian cricket side. It's called the Tassie quota.

This rule has been there since time immorial. Think about it. Sam Morris in 1885 - one game (for significant parts of Australian cricket history, the Tassie quota was actually 0 - they were simpler times). Ken Burn was then next get a run...over forty years later. He didn't last long. Big Max - stalwart...and it was probably he who saw the quota get raised to one on a near permanent basis. Since then there regularly been one Tasmanian...usually either Boonie or Punter. The overlap between the two was non-existant.

And those who have tried to have the quota increased (Greg Campbell, Jamie Cox, Dirk Wellham etc) have all been burned by the establishment. Why? They touched the third rail....the Tassie quota. BTW - Funky Miller doesn't count because he lived in a pub and is a legend.

Fuck, even Watto had to leave the state to get a run.

Our point - well it is simply to say this. Unless Punter get's hurt...Krezja has next to no chance of playing. Which is good. Because he's no good and McGain wants something to tell his grandkids about (right now!)

P.S. As is always the case, this rule is a little less stricly applied in one-day cricket. But that is the problem with commercialism.

2. Great Gingers of Sport

2008-09-17T03:51:00.000-07:00

In part two, we explore the life, times and yoghurt commercials of one of Australia's favourite Woodies.

Name: Mark Woodforde

Club/Sport: Camping Australia / Tennis

Red Head Rating (RHR): 10 - Mark was flllaammmiinng. The Balls are red-green colour blind, but he seared our retinas on many a cold winters' night as we stayed up watching doubles tennis.

Playing characteristics: Excellent volley, strong left hand, and freckles to put fear into the hear of many an opponent. One of the greatest tennis players in history, but it was in doubles, so who really cares?

Unluckiness Factor: - Low. His combination with Todd Woodbridge was remarkable successful (we believe the most successful of all time). He was, however, so dull that his advertising potential was limited to dairy products and possible fabric softner.

Comment: It was hard to hate Woodie 1 (much more so than his snot-nose partner), but dammit the Balls tried. He was almost endearing in that he was very good at something no one cared about. He also built up our hopes in the 1996 Australian Open when his floppy hair and slice serve took him to the semi final where he cruelly broke the hearts of all Australian viewers, meekly going down to Boom Boom in straight sets, 6-4, 6-2, 6-0.

Summary: We can't love him...but it is hard to hate him. He's like Atherton.

What's All That About - Rugby League

2008-09-17T03:41:00.000-07:00

Karmichael Hunt, Sam Thaiday and some other random rugby league player who probably doesn't love his mother were involved in a bar toilet tryst with some dirty slapper.

You know what is the most disappointing thing to come out of this? It's probably not the most controversial thing that a rugby league player will do this week.

Seriously, if these guys had been given the mission to go and make sure that the code was destroyed within 10 years they couldn't do a better job than what these arese clowns have done.

Actually, they probably could. They just need to involve Sonny Bill Williams, Willie Mason, 'Bombtatts' Rogers and 3 toey humans ready to spurt sauce.

Rugby League - for shame!

What’s wrong with cricket pt 2

2008-09-17T03:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, so we want Bangladesh to stay (although it might seem some of their players don't). But what about Kenya and Zimbabwe? They’re not up to it yet.

But Balls, you’re just putting forward problems, what can be done to get Kenya, Zim and Bagladesh up to scratch.

Great question, well asked. Quite simply, the ICC and the rest of the cricketing world will need to stop acting like rich tossers who won’t buy their mates a drink.

Firstly, a Bangladesh A side should be allowed to play in the Indian domestic comp. Actually, while I’m at it, how about I also suggest the ICC grow some short hairs and actually tell India to let Bangladesh tour there! This will give them broader exposure to quality cricket and, more importantly, coaches other than obese Australian non-test players (Dav, I’m sorry. I just wanted to make a point).

Secondly, South Africa should allow in a Zim side and a Kenyan side into the Supersport and MTN competitions. The ICC should open its coffers and actually sponsor this. Fuck it, India should also actually start working to help international cricket instead of screwing it royally. Again, this gives the Zims and Keyans increased exposure to good quality cricket on a regular basis.

As a postscript - we are deeply saddened to see that 7 Bangladeshis are going to the ICL - although we found it amusing that the Bangladeshi Cricket Council refused to accept their retirements because they were a breach of contract. For a detailed, and amusing, run down - go here.

Sydney Swans Reserves - a missed opportunity

2008-09-17T03:15:00.000-07:00

On a lazy Sunday afternoon, The Balls ventured out to Manuka Oval to watch the Sydney Swans reserves take on Belconnen in the ACTAFL Grand Final. Now, the game itself will be discussed later, but right now The Balls would like to take the opportunity to discuss the Swans reserves and their place in the footballing landscape.

Now, in recent times, the Swans reserves have been playing in the ACTAFL, taking home the premiership trophy for the last 4 seasons. This is an impressive achievement, but there are two issues with this.

Firstly, is it really providing the Swans players with the best grounding for AFL football? I mean, playing against Les from Les’ paint and scaffolding supplies isn’t really the best preparation for standing Lance “Buddy” Franklin is it. That’s not to say that Les shouldn’t be proud of his efforts making the first grade Eastlake side. More that the developing Sydney CHB needs a bit more of a challenge to prepare himself for a future in the AFL.

But it’s the second issue that is of more concern at the moment. The Sydney Swans reserves are not playing in the Sydney local competition and this is a massive missed opportunity to promote the game in the rugby league dominated State.

Now, I don’t mean having the Swans playing against Pennant Hills, St George and North Shore. This would prove as much of a mismatch as the early days of the Swans in the ACTAFL where victory margins of 200 points were not uncommon with Jarrad McVeigh and Adam Schneider combining for 16 goals from the midfield.

What the AFL should be making the Swans do is similar to what happens in the SANFL and WAFL. All players on the Swans list should be assigned evenly across the local Sydney clubs. Then, those players on the Swans list that are not selected to play in the firsts would then play for their respective Sydney league club.

This would improve the quality of players available to play in the Sydney league, as well as ensuring that it is not just one club that has an advantage. This would promote a much more even competition with more quality players distributed across all sides.

Who knows, it may even encourage some recently retired AFL footballers to stay in Sydney (or even move to Sydney) to compete in the AFL Sydney competition, therefore further improving the standard of the teams. And if the AFL is serious about Sydney, it needs to put some cash into enticing these blokes to come and play.

This is even more important now as the AFL look to expand further into the New South Wales market with a side in Western Sydney. The AFL cannot expect to merely suggest this idea and have it materialise in front of their eyes. There needs to be planning and there needs to be funding.

The AFL has to pump some money into the existing NSWAFL clubs and improve the facilities and marketing of the code. Get some marquee players to come and play. Recently retired players that usually go and play for Vermont, Subiaco or Sturt. Encourage them to play for the Balmain Dockers or East Coast Eagles. This will do wonders for the code and will bring juniors to the game.

And that’s where you have to start. Improve the seniors, encourage and attract the juniors and you’re well on your way to a successful local competition and a greater fan base for the seemingly inevitable 2 AFL sides based in NSW.

But the Sydney Swans Reserves is the first piece of the puzzle.

Come on AFL. Show some balls and get it done.

All Australian - familiar story

2008-09-17T03:06:00.000-07:00

Two points on the all Australian AFL team.

1. Well done to Paul Medhurst. You have continued a long tradition of Dockers players who have shone at other clubs. Your still a numbat who can't handball, and you play for satan's legion...but dammit...you've hurt Freo fans, so you can't be all bad.

2. To the team's selectors. can you please...stop...selecting...unaccountable...defenders. I can fucking pick up possessions if i'm not playing on anyone...so where is my fucking All fucking Austalian fucking gong.

p.s. I don't particularly like Drew Petrie, but what the fuck does he need to do to get into that side?

What's wrong with cricket pt 1

2008-09-15T03:39:00.000-07:00

(Warning - this blog contains serious content)
The Balls is not afraid to call it how it is, so here goes. We will now seek to run through a few of the key issues facing cricket, and explain how fucked up the ICC’s response has been. To clarify, we hold no grudge against the ICC. We simply wished they were competent.

So let’s start. Which countries should have test status.

The answer is simple. All the ones that currently do. People will criticise us for including Bangladesh. Those people should be treated with barely hidden disdain. Those people are weak-minded…those people don’t read this blog.

Bangladesh has well over 100 million people who are nuts about cricket. They are starting to come along. Sri Lanka took ages to be competitive, and that was in a much less profession era of cricket (remember with Vaas weighted about 15 kilos). Fuck, New Zealand took decades to win their first game. Cricket must expand. Bangladesh must be given every chance.

A Friend Of The Balls - Jrod

2008-09-15T02:47:00.000-07:00

MC Gregor, in his daily searches of the digi-web for new and uncharted male oriented websites, has recently come across one of the more amusing cricket blogs going around - Cricket With Balls.

http://cricketwithballs.blogspot.com/

Fans Of The Balls - check it out

Jrod: The Balls salute you

Yes, Mother

2008-09-15T02:29:00.000-07:00

This goes out to MC Gregor's mum...

My mum is a hardworking lady. She brought me up to be respectful and have good manners. She keeps a very neat house and is one of the smartest people I know. She also has the capacity to scare the crap out of me and all my friends. All of these are good characteristics.

However, my mum is also a Collingwood fan. And for that reason, she has been destined to live in an old persons house ever since I worked out that there was a prospect she may try to live with me in her Autumn years.

This may seem harsh. But let me explain. I am a West Coast fan. West Coast has drawn twice with Collingwood in finals. We lost one in a replay, and the other in extra time. I still remember my mums cackle when Sumich hit the post in 1990. Her deep throated bellows a week later as Tony Francis dragged the ball out of the centre and pumped it up towards the forward line (occasionally Collingwood's). Her evil taunting as Collingwood won. I remember it well, because it was relived in 2007 as I sat in an airport hotel watching in horror as we lost the unloseable final...and my phone rang with the word "Mum" on the screen.

I also remember how she'd tell me the results of Eagles v Collingwood games which I had taped to watch later (an offense which should be punishable by death).

I don't blame my mum. She's a Collingwood fan...and they're all inherently arseholish.

And for that reason I say this: Thank you St Kilda. Thank you for finally standing up in a game that mattered. I was surprised, and you'll get flogged next week. But thank you nonetheless.

Unfortunately, my dad is a Fitzroy fan who has converted to the Dockers. Seriously!

Jesse watch

2008-09-15T02:27:00.000-07:00

As lovers of New Zealand Cricket, it is with great joy that the Balls announce the rearrival of Jesse Daniel Ryder, weighing in at 112kg.

Jesse, for those who don't know, is the best thing to come out of New Zealand since Ewan Chatfield. Think Richie McCaw crossbred with Danyon Loader and Hockey Pokey ice-cream. Think David Boon without the dietary self-discipline. Think Jabba the Hutt with pads on.

He introduced himself to the world at large with a punishing display against the Poms in a one-day series earlier this year. He was graceful, he was powerful, he was obese, he was, in all probability, drunk. And then Jesse did something that made all New Zealanders love him...he badly hurt his arm while trying to get into a locked toilet.

Such is the drama of Jesse Ryder.

And now, with a cool scar that New Zealand chicks are gonna dig (or chucks are gunna dug), he is back for the test series against Bangladesh. Whisper it quietly. Test series against Bangladesh. This is a marketing dream come true. Particularly when it becomes apparent he has sworn not to drink during the entire series. The Balls will guaran-goddam-tee he will drink during the series. And this opens up an off-field drama like no other since Warney swore off the smokes.

And Jesse will hit the drink while whaling into a bunch of likeable, competant and enchanting young Bangladeshis.

He will return a front-runner for the upcoming NZ elections and be feted a god.

Stay tuned for Jesse updates.

Jesse Ryder - The Balls' favourite Kiwi

Random Thoughts From The Mind Of The Balls

2008-09-13T17:29:00.000-07:00

Collingwood coach Mick Malthouse has talked about Collingwood's recent travel schedule (3 out of the last 5 weeks) for their poor showing in last night's final against St Kilda.

Perhaps if Collingwood actually travelled during the season proper this wouldn't have been an issue.

Cry me a river Mick.

And now something for the ladies...

2008-09-09T04:04:00.000-07:00

Undiscovered sports of the world - a misinformed view

2008-09-09T03:44:00.000-07:00

In a series of misinformed ramblings, Balls Of Gold aims to provide a little insight into some of the worlds less well known sports living up to our firm beliefe that there is no such thing as a bad sport (except Mark 'Choco' Williams - he's a tool), only bad people.

The first in the series is quite possibly the least known yet one of the most highly participated in sport in Asia*.

Now, I was heading down to Melbourne with a mate of The Balls, The Gay Vampire Midget (GVM), for happy family Christmas celebrations a few years ago.

After talking about the odds of the big bang theory being the same as a tornado blowing through a rubbish tip and spitting out a concorde and just before we got onto the importance of structural integrity amongst home made pies, our little mate introduced me to an intriguing sport which I had never heard of before.

Kabaddi.

Now, keep in mind the fact that our little mate that relayed the story had neither seen this sport played nor spoken to anyone that had any idea on it's rules or game play.

But - to this day it remains the single greatest undiscovered sport that I've come across.

The general gist of kabaddi is that you have two teams that take their turn defendeing and attacking.

Defence is made up of you and 4 team mates holding hands at one end of a volleyball court. Attack is made up of 1 person, a Raider, who has to make it from his end of the court, to the defence and then back to his end.

Now, this sounds kind of simple.

BUT - the Raider must hold his breath the whole time. And to ensure that he is in fact holding his breath, he must constantly repeat the name of the game.

So, in my head, I had this image of a bloke running around a volleyball court chanting out "Kabaddi, Kabaddi, Kabaddi, Kabaddi..." as 5 guys that are all holding hands try to chase him down and stop him getting back to his end. How they manage to all run in sync with each other and not fall down in a screaming heap is beyond me, but The Balls' favourite midget assures us that this is the way the game goes.

Upon further research - that is, 4 blokes running up and down Flinders St in Melbourne playing their own version of Kabaddi after 7 sherberts - this is quite possibly the most entertaining and bewildering game that you will ever come across.

And just to add to the brilliance of the game, it was initially played by men in loin cloths that were all oiled up.

I implore you to go and find out more about this game - the national sport of Bangladesh.

* This does not resemble the truth in any form whatsoever.

1. Great Gingers of Sport

2008-09-09T03:25:00.000-07:00

For too long, sport in Australia has been dogged by prominent rusty crutches. This is the first in a series of investigative exposes into prominent Australian sporting rangas and their effect on those day-walkers around them. Some will say that these posts are prejudiced. I call those people naive.

Name: Matthew Bate

Club/Sport: Melbourne Football Club / AFL

Red Head Rating (RHR): 9 - Matthew is almost a pure red head. Even on an overcast MCG day, you can literally see smoke rising from his oh so lilly-white skin. I have delibverately avoided watching Melbourne play day games because, well they're shite, but also I can't stand the thought of him bursting into flames in the middle of the MCG while he chases the shade of the GreatSouthern Stand.

Playing characteristics: Matthew usually lurks in the shadow of those ruckmen around him. Begrudgingly I will admit he is a courageous player, but he has nothing to lose. He cannot die.

Unluckiness Factor: (Note - Unluckiness Factor is to test the theory that Gingers are bad luck to all those around them) - High. Melbourne are shite. They look like being shite for the forseeable future. I lay the blame soley at Matthew's feet, although Stephen O'Dwyer has to carry some of the blame...and you just know the Jimmy Styne's collars don't match his cuffs.

Comment: Matthew is almost your stereotypical ranga. He is bad luck, casts little to no shadow and would appear to have no soul (perhaps a fair description of his club). He is the most prominent fanta pants in the AFL, with the possible exception of Cameron Ling, and I can personally attest that people snicker at him whenever he gets near the ball.

Summary: Burn him at the stake after stuffing his mouth with garlic and piercing his heart with a silver infused wooden stake.